And now "vicious creature" presents in association with "give you hope" industries
"CONVERSATIONS WITH MYSELF"
today's topic "sincerity"
I feel like such a fuck up
why?
I hate myself. why do you do this to me?
do what?
well.give me fucking hope! First it was that artist dude back in the spring where whenever I would dress up really nicely to get his attention, he wouldn't show up for class. now this is happening again but with another guy.
I don't know what you are talking about
fine I'll bloody remind you again. The guy in that particular class?, who knew my first name and last name and I had never spoken to him in my life before? the one who surprised me as he praised my work in private? Well because of you I'm thinking these thoughts that he may like me or just be friendly. I think the latter. But you tell me these things that "he likes me", that he wears only rock tees now because I complimented him on his rock t-shirts, that he looks at me, that he likes me because my boss told me that he praised my work, blah blah blah. No, first of all He has to have a girlfriend, with those looks yeah why would he go with a horrid face like mine? and second he's friendly! just because he is praising my work doesn't mean he likes me, he probably does that with everyone! and yeah in this job it's okay to praise people so.... it's part of the job. so don't give me false hope, I am too old to imagine myself with him, with crushes and stuff so just don't.
Well at least I caught myself before you destroyed my life again because for the past two weeks it's happened with me getting all dolled up the first time with a ramones tee and he doesn't show up, then the second week, this week wearing a great dress and he doesn't show up again. No, don't do that to me again like artist guy.or when I wrote that i liked this guy on his $85 book. No.
I don't recollect any of that stuff
I think you do
well fine, but I do it to make you happy, to give you hope to make you think that a simple gesture of sincerity from a good looking guy means everything to you. you get that moment of euphoria, planning your future with him, where you'll go, what you'll do and then when that moment happens and when that sentence is uttered such as "his girlfriend is.." ,you'll immediately die inside and come crawling to your room listening to beatles tunes and eating the entire contents of your fridge. you know you love it and so you do it all the time. so don't blame me.
I....don't know what to say, you are a bastard. I don't want to talk about this anymore.
CUT OFF TRANSMISSION
Friday, October 17, 2008
long time
haven't written for a long time. have been working and studying. been working hard, feeling the adrenaline rushing. been getting great praise for my work and effort, I think they called me a superhero or something. I got my grades and I have all As and I should be pretty happy because the vicious creature hasn't really invaded me.....until now.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
I hate the BBC
I hate BBC America.
I don’t HATE hate it, I just hate the programming.
I really do.
I think BBC America thinks its viewers are stupid morons who love “cash in the attic” marathons and that Chef that always curses people.
I’m a full anglophile and I crave for anything British but BBC America is just horrid putting on shows that the Brits probably rejected.
Now I’m not talking about their “primetime” programming, that’s another story.
But in the daytime and on the weekend daytime programs…they are just appalling.
In the Morning it’s like 3 hours of News, who wants that much of news? Then its 5 hour marathons of either “Cash in the Attic” or “Bargain Hunt”. Now one time I saw “Cash in the Attic” and it’s an all right show but 5 hours of it? It literally killed me when I tried to see it.
If it’s not a show about making trash into treasure than it’s “what not to wear” or chef shows. This is basically telling you BBC America have nothing to put on.
Then the so called primetime shows, If it’s not Doctor Who or Footballer’s wives (which is okay for me ) then it’s these horrible documentaries about people who have parts they shouldn’t have or anorexic people, or sex maniacs. These shows are put in primetime?, am I watching BBC America or The Learning Channel?
When I had BBC America on Friday nights they would put two hours of great British shows like “The Office”, “Black Books”, “I’m Alan Partridge”, and “Saxondale”. And in the daytime they would put shows like “My Family” or “My Hero”
But not anymore, they put these “documentaries” to entertain or sicken you. When I had it they didn’t even put Monty Python! Now I see they do, probably because of overwhelming demand or complaints by people who want to see something good.
My anglophile or Brit fan friends want to learn the Brit slang, the shows the Brits watch, the music that they make, practically everything but BBC America does nothing to help.
So If I were the programmer of BBC America, I would think that this channel is for those who love the United Kingdom , are ex-patriates or anglophiles. I would put what Britain is most famous for: Shakespeare, James Bond, Dr. Who , Football, Music Scene, Harry Potter , British Humor, and did I mention Music?
I am surprised BBC America has never mentioned the music Brits make that has been rocking ever since 1964. No mention of the British Invasion of the 60s, Glam Rock, Punk, British Invasion of the 80s, the Romantics of the 80s, New Wave, Rave , Britpop , Garage Rock Revival, Neo New Wave or Dance Rock, and Nu Rave. No Mention of Top of the Pops, T in the Park, The Reading and Leeds festivals which are a big part over there.
Nothing
I would put in the daytime weekdays, the three hours of news in the wee small hours of the morning, then I would put some non-cursing chef shows like that Oliver guy, and maybe ONE episode of “Cash in the Attic”. Then I’d put in a vintage two hour British movie from the 60s, one preferably with Peter Sellers. Or one with classic British comedians like Peter Cook and Dudley Moore such as the film “Bedazzled”. Classic films from the swinging sixties such as “To Sir, With Love”, “Smashing Time” and “Georgy Girl” .
Then I would put East Enders and a classic episode of Top of the Pops. Then I would replay the classic film or put some vintage episodes of the avengers or the prisoner. Or Ab Fab and/or some 80s comedy series.
Then every night would be a set of different shows. Like one night would be “Sci-fi” night with episodes of Dr. Who , Torchwood, and Life on Mars. Another night would be footballer’s wives and other drama shows. Thursdays til Sundays would be comedies by greats like Dylan Moran and Steve Coogan and I would put “the mighty boosh”, Along with Monty Python and anything Python related.
On the weekends, the day would start with three hours by BBC News and then either football matches or top of the pops marathons. Not five hours but maybe two hours.
And then because there’s always something happening in British music, I would do an original program where young brit kids would show a weekly 90 minute show showing music videos MTV and VH1 never play by bands like The Libertines, Babyshambles, Dirty Pretty Things, Kooks, The Courteneers, The Enemy, Arctic Monkeys, etc, etc. Along with music videos they would also have performances by those bands. When the time came, I’d try to be mates with NME or New Musical Express and have a live feed of festivals like Glastonbury, T in the Park ,and Reading.
On weekend nights, I would show James Bond Flicks, or Harry Potter flicks. Or Modern British movies like “Love Actually”, “Hitchhiker’s guide to the Galaxy”, and “About a Boy”.
AND on Late Late Nights, late shows by graham norton or the sunday night special would be fine. Or some episodes of jools holland or jonathan ross.
It's not perfect but theres alot of thought put into it. Unlike the BBC America programmers.:P
I don’t HATE hate it, I just hate the programming.
I really do.
I think BBC America thinks its viewers are stupid morons who love “cash in the attic” marathons and that Chef that always curses people.
I’m a full anglophile and I crave for anything British but BBC America is just horrid putting on shows that the Brits probably rejected.
Now I’m not talking about their “primetime” programming, that’s another story.
But in the daytime and on the weekend daytime programs…they are just appalling.
In the Morning it’s like 3 hours of News, who wants that much of news? Then its 5 hour marathons of either “Cash in the Attic” or “Bargain Hunt”. Now one time I saw “Cash in the Attic” and it’s an all right show but 5 hours of it? It literally killed me when I tried to see it.
If it’s not a show about making trash into treasure than it’s “what not to wear” or chef shows. This is basically telling you BBC America have nothing to put on.
Then the so called primetime shows, If it’s not Doctor Who or Footballer’s wives (which is okay for me ) then it’s these horrible documentaries about people who have parts they shouldn’t have or anorexic people, or sex maniacs. These shows are put in primetime?, am I watching BBC America or The Learning Channel?
When I had BBC America on Friday nights they would put two hours of great British shows like “The Office”, “Black Books”, “I’m Alan Partridge”, and “Saxondale”. And in the daytime they would put shows like “My Family” or “My Hero”
But not anymore, they put these “documentaries” to entertain or sicken you. When I had it they didn’t even put Monty Python! Now I see they do, probably because of overwhelming demand or complaints by people who want to see something good.
My anglophile or Brit fan friends want to learn the Brit slang, the shows the Brits watch, the music that they make, practically everything but BBC America does nothing to help.
So If I were the programmer of BBC America, I would think that this channel is for those who love the United Kingdom , are ex-patriates or anglophiles. I would put what Britain is most famous for: Shakespeare, James Bond, Dr. Who , Football, Music Scene, Harry Potter , British Humor, and did I mention Music?
I am surprised BBC America has never mentioned the music Brits make that has been rocking ever since 1964. No mention of the British Invasion of the 60s, Glam Rock, Punk, British Invasion of the 80s, the Romantics of the 80s, New Wave, Rave , Britpop , Garage Rock Revival, Neo New Wave or Dance Rock, and Nu Rave. No Mention of Top of the Pops, T in the Park, The Reading and Leeds festivals which are a big part over there.
Nothing
I would put in the daytime weekdays, the three hours of news in the wee small hours of the morning, then I would put some non-cursing chef shows like that Oliver guy, and maybe ONE episode of “Cash in the Attic”. Then I’d put in a vintage two hour British movie from the 60s, one preferably with Peter Sellers. Or one with classic British comedians like Peter Cook and Dudley Moore such as the film “Bedazzled”. Classic films from the swinging sixties such as “To Sir, With Love”, “Smashing Time” and “Georgy Girl” .
Then I would put East Enders and a classic episode of Top of the Pops. Then I would replay the classic film or put some vintage episodes of the avengers or the prisoner. Or Ab Fab and/or some 80s comedy series.
Then every night would be a set of different shows. Like one night would be “Sci-fi” night with episodes of Dr. Who , Torchwood, and Life on Mars. Another night would be footballer’s wives and other drama shows. Thursdays til Sundays would be comedies by greats like Dylan Moran and Steve Coogan and I would put “the mighty boosh”, Along with Monty Python and anything Python related.
On the weekends, the day would start with three hours by BBC News and then either football matches or top of the pops marathons. Not five hours but maybe two hours.
And then because there’s always something happening in British music, I would do an original program where young brit kids would show a weekly 90 minute show showing music videos MTV and VH1 never play by bands like The Libertines, Babyshambles, Dirty Pretty Things, Kooks, The Courteneers, The Enemy, Arctic Monkeys, etc, etc. Along with music videos they would also have performances by those bands. When the time came, I’d try to be mates with NME or New Musical Express and have a live feed of festivals like Glastonbury, T in the Park ,and Reading.
On weekend nights, I would show James Bond Flicks, or Harry Potter flicks. Or Modern British movies like “Love Actually”, “Hitchhiker’s guide to the Galaxy”, and “About a Boy”.
AND on Late Late Nights, late shows by graham norton or the sunday night special would be fine. Or some episodes of jools holland or jonathan ross.
It's not perfect but theres alot of thought put into it. Unlike the BBC America programmers.:P
Saturday, August 9, 2008
tranquility in the ice
Here is a great video by a great musician. A musician called Spiritualized.
I don’t live in the cold parts of the earth so people that do live in those areas might shudder or get chills when watching this video but I like it.
I would love to wear a silver jacket, go to Iceland or one of those Scandinavian countries and just lie in the snow as the wind is blowing and just listen to this song. Or sit and lie in the middle of a frozen lake and also hear this song in my iPod.
It just looks so tranquil, peaceful, and beautiful. I feel like I could actually find inner peace by just lying there and listening to the sound of the wind or just the sound of nature (or the song of course). I also believe I could for the first time clear my mind and not have one thought in my head because I’d be too much in awe of where I was.
Spiritualized have already enchanted people with the song “ladies and gentleman, we are floating in space” which was so calming and cool and made you believe what space would sound like without the glam rock tendencies.
Spiritualized- soul on fire
I don’t live in the cold parts of the earth so people that do live in those areas might shudder or get chills when watching this video but I like it.
I would love to wear a silver jacket, go to Iceland or one of those Scandinavian countries and just lie in the snow as the wind is blowing and just listen to this song. Or sit and lie in the middle of a frozen lake and also hear this song in my iPod.
It just looks so tranquil, peaceful, and beautiful. I feel like I could actually find inner peace by just lying there and listening to the sound of the wind or just the sound of nature (or the song of course). I also believe I could for the first time clear my mind and not have one thought in my head because I’d be too much in awe of where I was.
Spiritualized have already enchanted people with the song “ladies and gentleman, we are floating in space” which was so calming and cool and made you believe what space would sound like without the glam rock tendencies.
Spiritualized- soul on fire
Labels:
cool,
desertlandscape,
ice,
relaxing,
tranquility
Christ is Hot.
Christian Bale that is.
fine! fine! fine!
my friends want me to blog about christian bale. And yes, he is hot. IS HOT!
I saw him in some movie that was not the dark knight and all I could think about was "oh my gosh he is so hot!"
I gotta see every movie he has ever made!
He is so fucking hot!
seems standoffish in real life, but hot in all those movies. HOT!
fine, I have chronicled all the hot men from the dark knight.

fine! fine! fine!
my friends want me to blog about christian bale. And yes, he is hot. IS HOT!
I saw him in some movie that was not the dark knight and all I could think about was "oh my gosh he is so hot!"
I gotta see every movie he has ever made!
He is so fucking hot!
seems standoffish in real life, but hot in all those movies. HOT!
fine, I have chronicled all the hot men from the dark knight.


savior of the doubter
Well, today is a day that sort of puts me in the border between adolescence and adulthood.
I just found out my friend is cheating on me.
Going out with a new type or group of friends and ignoring my calls and e-mails
We were really good friends, we would girl talk all the time and we would tell each other everything.
Even things I didn’t really want to know.
Like when she had her first boyfriend, let’s call him “Lionel”. She told me everything she and Lionel did, like the kissing parts, the making out parts and how she felt when he did stuff to her.
I would go, “dude! Too much information! “ I didn’t want to know what turned her on. Ew!
But she would tell me that when I would have my first experience with a guy, she would listen to me like I listened to her.
Ha! Yeah that’ll happen.
In the year 2084
So we would just talk about guys and my errors and follies with them, and how I was and am a complete loser and she would talk about Lionel.
So I don’t know what happened, but I think she became an adult before any of us did when she got a job at this theatre. Now, she would just work constantly there with no breaks or she would give up going out to concerts or movies or events with me and the “group” just to work.
Then I hear nothing from her until months later telling me she’s broken up with “Lionel” and gone with a guy way beneath her named let’s say “Izzy”, and just being very negative even when I was sort of in a smitten state.
She was negative when “Izzy” was cyber cheating on her.
But dude, okay you feel pissed off but don’t try to take it out on anyone and if someone is sort of having a happy moment, try to enjoy their happiness and not say bad things about it.
I would. If I felt pissed off or whatever and my friend had just found some awesome guy in her life, I’d be happy for her and not try to wallow unless she wants me to talk about my gripes with a certain guy.
But then I discover via the web that she’s hanging out with her coworkers to dance clubs and to the Hollywood bowl and I try to email her wanting to know how she is doing and she doesn’t even bother to write back.
Is she becoming an adult faster than me and my friends? Is she doing adult things while I and my friends have seen the dark knight a combination of 12 times? Or gone to stake out the latest indie rockers?
I think our friendship is dead or slowly dying and I think the only one who can save it is her.
I doubt she is gonna save it.
I just found out my friend is cheating on me.
Going out with a new type or group of friends and ignoring my calls and e-mails
We were really good friends, we would girl talk all the time and we would tell each other everything.
Even things I didn’t really want to know.
Like when she had her first boyfriend, let’s call him “Lionel”. She told me everything she and Lionel did, like the kissing parts, the making out parts and how she felt when he did stuff to her.
I would go, “dude! Too much information! “ I didn’t want to know what turned her on. Ew!
But she would tell me that when I would have my first experience with a guy, she would listen to me like I listened to her.
Ha! Yeah that’ll happen.
In the year 2084
So we would just talk about guys and my errors and follies with them, and how I was and am a complete loser and she would talk about Lionel.
So I don’t know what happened, but I think she became an adult before any of us did when she got a job at this theatre. Now, she would just work constantly there with no breaks or she would give up going out to concerts or movies or events with me and the “group” just to work.
Then I hear nothing from her until months later telling me she’s broken up with “Lionel” and gone with a guy way beneath her named let’s say “Izzy”, and just being very negative even when I was sort of in a smitten state.
She was negative when “Izzy” was cyber cheating on her.
But dude, okay you feel pissed off but don’t try to take it out on anyone and if someone is sort of having a happy moment, try to enjoy their happiness and not say bad things about it.
I would. If I felt pissed off or whatever and my friend had just found some awesome guy in her life, I’d be happy for her and not try to wallow unless she wants me to talk about my gripes with a certain guy.
But then I discover via the web that she’s hanging out with her coworkers to dance clubs and to the Hollywood bowl and I try to email her wanting to know how she is doing and she doesn’t even bother to write back.
Is she becoming an adult faster than me and my friends? Is she doing adult things while I and my friends have seen the dark knight a combination of 12 times? Or gone to stake out the latest indie rockers?
I think our friendship is dead or slowly dying and I think the only one who can save it is her.
I doubt she is gonna save it.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
maybe.....
yey!
The Dark Knight is number 1 again! for a third week in a row!!!!
wooooooo!
my friends an relatives are all making fun of me that I have a crush on the joker because I recite all his lines, but dude! aaron eckhart has like three lines that are good and one of the main lines is "you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain".
so, no I don't have a crush on the joker, that would be a bit disturbing. I mean I like weird guys but not homicidal psychopaths.
But......maybe............there are parts in the movie.......that make me think the joker is cute,BUT! because I see Heath Ledger first and not the Joker.
There are Exactly three parts where I get this "how cute vibe" and then I get scared by him with the next part or thing he does.
those parts are:
1. When The Joker tells gamble how he got his scars. He says "do you know how I got these scars? hmm?" and he makes this face that is so heartbreaking to me. After that of course, bonechilling.
2.After the whole truck flip, and batman falls off the batpod and is left there, vulnerable. The Joker does this kind of dance or twirl or something that reminds me of alec from "a clockwork orange" as he is approaching batman. That little twirl or dance or what....I kind of liked. and when he says "just give me a minute"
3. When after getting banged up by batman, he's in the interrogation room with a cop looking over him. When he's on the floor, and you see his multicolored socks and he "looks" helpless when they don't give him his "phone call". that shot, he looked cute.
Now that's it, the rest of the movie, I don't feel any crushworthiness on him. let's end it like that.


The Dark Knight is number 1 again! for a third week in a row!!!!
wooooooo!
my friends an relatives are all making fun of me that I have a crush on the joker because I recite all his lines, but dude! aaron eckhart has like three lines that are good and one of the main lines is "you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain".
so, no I don't have a crush on the joker, that would be a bit disturbing. I mean I like weird guys but not homicidal psychopaths.
But......maybe............there are parts in the movie.......that make me think the joker is cute,BUT! because I see Heath Ledger first and not the Joker.
There are Exactly three parts where I get this "how cute vibe" and then I get scared by him with the next part or thing he does.
those parts are:
1. When The Joker tells gamble how he got his scars. He says "do you know how I got these scars? hmm?" and he makes this face that is so heartbreaking to me. After that of course, bonechilling.
2.After the whole truck flip, and batman falls off the batpod and is left there, vulnerable. The Joker does this kind of dance or twirl or something that reminds me of alec from "a clockwork orange" as he is approaching batman. That little twirl or dance or what....I kind of liked. and when he says "just give me a minute"
3. When after getting banged up by batman, he's in the interrogation room with a cop looking over him. When he's on the floor, and you see his multicolored socks and he "looks" helpless when they don't give him his "phone call". that shot, he looked cute.
Now that's it, the rest of the movie, I don't feel any crushworthiness on him. let's end it like that.



Saturday, August 2, 2008
The White Knight
I think I have a crush on Aaron Eckhart.
He’s so cute in The Dark Knight.
If Christian Bale wasn’t married, I’d totally go for him too but he is married so Aaron Eckhart will have to do. And He isn’t bad to look at.
Now I know why it was hard for Rachel to choose, they are both hot.
Entertainment Tonight one day didn’t have much to report I guess so they profiled Aaron Eckhart to find out who he is and who he’s dated.
Well from what I recall, He was born in California, so he’s a California Boy, is 40 years old and was raised Mormon.
40 years old! He looks sooooooooo much younger!
They also talked that he dated some country singer and some other chick and that he is currently single.
They emphasized on the “single” part.
Well He’s half my age or I’m half his age? Anyway, I wouldn’t mind meeting him but something more than that, I don’t know.
A girl can dream.

He’s so cute in The Dark Knight.
If Christian Bale wasn’t married, I’d totally go for him too but he is married so Aaron Eckhart will have to do. And He isn’t bad to look at.
Now I know why it was hard for Rachel to choose, they are both hot.
Entertainment Tonight one day didn’t have much to report I guess so they profiled Aaron Eckhart to find out who he is and who he’s dated.
Well from what I recall, He was born in California, so he’s a California Boy, is 40 years old and was raised Mormon.
40 years old! He looks sooooooooo much younger!
They also talked that he dated some country singer and some other chick and that he is currently single.
They emphasized on the “single” part.
Well He’s half my age or I’m half his age? Anyway, I wouldn’t mind meeting him but something more than that, I don’t know.
A girl can dream.


Wednesday, July 30, 2008
interesting origins
So as The Dark Knight fever has consumed over 90% of my body, I’m saving up to buy the graphic novel “The Killing Joke” on the account of the L.A. times story on the origin of the Joker. I learned so much.
Did you know that the joker’s creator got inspiration from a 1928 silent film called “the man who laughs” which was about a man whose face was carved into a smile when his father shows disrespect to a king? the film was based on a victor hugo novel.
The article also showed that when the joker showed up for the first time in batman comics, in 1940, he was only supposed to show up one time and was supposed to die in his second appearance but they brought him back because an editor spared his life.
The Joker’s image in the comic books was a bit psychopathic and mean but never murderous, but his image would totally change when the TV show came out in 1966.
When the TV show came out, Cesar Romero’s portrayal of the Joker became more prankster than psychopath and less scary, and therefore the comic books also changed the portrayal of the Joker.
In the early 70s, after the TV show had been cancelled, a comic book story called “the laughing fish” brought a return to the scary, lethal Joker.
But in 1986, the graphic novel “The Killing Joke” showed the Joker resembling a person you don’t want to run into while walking a dark alley. In this story, The Joker tries to prove if he can make one person insane in one day, his target become commissioner Gordon, in which he tortures him with nude pictures of his daughter, “batgirl” Barbara Gordon, and also paralyzes her. In this book, you also see the origin of the joker and how he wanted to become a comedian but failed miserably and how he got his face scarred.
Then in 1988, in another comic book story, The Joker punches Robin to death and blows him up. Readers had to call a number to say if they wanted robin to live or die. After the votes were tallied, Robin died. I guess they didn’t like him.
Then in 1989, the feature film “Batman” came out with the great Jack Nicholson playing the Joker. It is said in the article that it was one of his most defining performances.
Then when the cartoon series came out, Mark Hamill who is known to all as Luke Skywalker, voiced The Joker making him evil yet tame for the kids who watched the series.
And now, with influence from “The Killing Joke”, Alec from “A Clockwork Orange” and Sid Vicious, Heath Ledger made the Joker a sadistic, psychopathic genius, with always a card up his sleeve.
Very interesting history and its fascinating to find out how the joker has evolved after 70 years;. Go to the L.A. times website to see the story, with pictures, Interesting stuff!
search for "a brief history of the joker" at the website.
Did you know that the joker’s creator got inspiration from a 1928 silent film called “the man who laughs” which was about a man whose face was carved into a smile when his father shows disrespect to a king? the film was based on a victor hugo novel.
The article also showed that when the joker showed up for the first time in batman comics, in 1940, he was only supposed to show up one time and was supposed to die in his second appearance but they brought him back because an editor spared his life.
The Joker’s image in the comic books was a bit psychopathic and mean but never murderous, but his image would totally change when the TV show came out in 1966.
When the TV show came out, Cesar Romero’s portrayal of the Joker became more prankster than psychopath and less scary, and therefore the comic books also changed the portrayal of the Joker.
In the early 70s, after the TV show had been cancelled, a comic book story called “the laughing fish” brought a return to the scary, lethal Joker.
But in 1986, the graphic novel “The Killing Joke” showed the Joker resembling a person you don’t want to run into while walking a dark alley. In this story, The Joker tries to prove if he can make one person insane in one day, his target become commissioner Gordon, in which he tortures him with nude pictures of his daughter, “batgirl” Barbara Gordon, and also paralyzes her. In this book, you also see the origin of the joker and how he wanted to become a comedian but failed miserably and how he got his face scarred.
Then in 1988, in another comic book story, The Joker punches Robin to death and blows him up. Readers had to call a number to say if they wanted robin to live or die. After the votes were tallied, Robin died. I guess they didn’t like him.
Then in 1989, the feature film “Batman” came out with the great Jack Nicholson playing the Joker. It is said in the article that it was one of his most defining performances.
Then when the cartoon series came out, Mark Hamill who is known to all as Luke Skywalker, voiced The Joker making him evil yet tame for the kids who watched the series.
And now, with influence from “The Killing Joke”, Alec from “A Clockwork Orange” and Sid Vicious, Heath Ledger made the Joker a sadistic, psychopathic genius, with always a card up his sleeve.
Very interesting history and its fascinating to find out how the joker has evolved after 70 years;. Go to the L.A. times website to see the story, with pictures, Interesting stuff!
search for "a brief history of the joker" at the website.
DK love
So there are rumors going around that “The Dark Knight” could win titanic’s top grossing film of all time if it keeps doing good business and I say I hope it does beat Titanic.
Titanic sucks.
I mean I’m not knocking the whole tragedy thing but what really pisses me off is the whole cheesy romance. I believe everybody over the age of 14 including guys was PMSing that year because everybody fawned over the big budget piece of trite. Lonely women now confess that as teenage girls they would watch it multiple times to see Leonardo Dicaprio’s 10 foot face on the screen. Again, we were all under some sort of spell, (I blame the shrieking of Celine Dion’s voice) that made us all shelve out our dough on celine dion records and titanic special edition video cassette. I remember that time, I really tried to force a tear when leo died, but I couldn’t. It seemed too cheesy for me.
I’m at these boards, and all these DK people are saying “go watch it again! Make it number 1 top gross! Do it for heath!”
Putting Heath into the conversation is going way over the line. If the movie sucked, then yes it would be for Heath, but this is a great film, an almost perfect film and no I wouldn’t watch it again “for heath” but for all the actors in this film including Heath. For Aaron Echkart, who was awesome! For Gary Oldman who was so moving in the last 15 minutes of the film and also for the people in the ferry who were just…..well they made me think.
This is a great ensemble movie and I’ll watch it again, but because it is soooo gooood.
Titanic sucks.
I mean I’m not knocking the whole tragedy thing but what really pisses me off is the whole cheesy romance. I believe everybody over the age of 14 including guys was PMSing that year because everybody fawned over the big budget piece of trite. Lonely women now confess that as teenage girls they would watch it multiple times to see Leonardo Dicaprio’s 10 foot face on the screen. Again, we were all under some sort of spell, (I blame the shrieking of Celine Dion’s voice) that made us all shelve out our dough on celine dion records and titanic special edition video cassette. I remember that time, I really tried to force a tear when leo died, but I couldn’t. It seemed too cheesy for me.
I’m at these boards, and all these DK people are saying “go watch it again! Make it number 1 top gross! Do it for heath!”
Putting Heath into the conversation is going way over the line. If the movie sucked, then yes it would be for Heath, but this is a great film, an almost perfect film and no I wouldn’t watch it again “for heath” but for all the actors in this film including Heath. For Aaron Echkart, who was awesome! For Gary Oldman who was so moving in the last 15 minutes of the film and also for the people in the ferry who were just…..well they made me think.
This is a great ensemble movie and I’ll watch it again, but because it is soooo gooood.
Labels:
good movies,
sucks,
the dark knight,
titanic snooze
Monday, July 28, 2008
girl amongst geeks
SO I went to this little mini comic book event (it wasn't comic con) and I had never been in the social circles of comic book/sci-fi/ cult fans. I usually hang out in indie rock scenes, and nu rave scenes and music scenes basically but never at THESE events. I was astounded at what I saw. I at least saw about 20 seth rogen look alikes. 50 kevin smith look alikes, and two george lucas look alikes. There were some cute guys there, and it definitely makes me consider a jump in the comic book world. But I don't know. It will be a rare thing for a girl to get in the comic book geek world, we shall see.
girl of simple tastes.
Hey
Sorry I haven’t written in a while but the vicious creature is sort of under my command and only shows up when I think about certain things that make me cringe.
Well in concern to Tim, I don’t think of him that much although I do have thoughts but they are like flickers of light that go into my head from time to time. Thankfully, something global has taken over me.
That thing is The Dark Knight.
I was supposed to see it with him but after the things that "happened" happened, I decided to make a party out of The Dark Knight. I invited my friends, we went to see it the day it came out and there were no words to describe what I had just seen. It was everything I hoped for and more. It was not just any comic movie; it was a complex thriller full of drama and action where the hero just happens to wear a mask.
After seeing it, all I talked about (and still) talk about was The Dark Knight. When the people who hadn’t seen it grew bored of my “dark knight” talk, I went to the message boards with other fellow dark knight freaks and I talked about the Joker’s best lines, whether I would pick Bruce Wayne or Harvey Dent if I were in Rachel’s shoes, and what my favorite parts were. Then I went to the “hidden” Dark Knight Websites like Joker’s webpage and Gotham News Network’s website. I posed in front of the Joker’s actual suit worn by Heath Ledger and the Batpod when they were exhibited at my local theatre.
I am now interested in being a comic book geek wanting to read the Batman Graphic Novel “The Killing Joke” and the Watchmen graphic novel after getting addicted to the trailer with the beautiful Smashing Pumpkins song.
So basically, my eyes have opened or a part of my brain has illuminated just by watching The Dark Knight, I want to be a comic book geek now, want to see the dark knight at least four times (I’ve only seen it twice), and want to recite the joker’s lines by heart.
At some point, on some day, like flickers of light, I think of “tim” and wonder how many times HES seen it, and what HE thought about certain parts, and what Joker scene HE loved the most. Like a flash of light, it illuminates for a second, and for that second, it’s your decision to catch that light or let it go.
I let it go.
Sorry I haven’t written in a while but the vicious creature is sort of under my command and only shows up when I think about certain things that make me cringe.
Well in concern to Tim, I don’t think of him that much although I do have thoughts but they are like flickers of light that go into my head from time to time. Thankfully, something global has taken over me.
That thing is The Dark Knight.
I was supposed to see it with him but after the things that "happened" happened, I decided to make a party out of The Dark Knight. I invited my friends, we went to see it the day it came out and there were no words to describe what I had just seen. It was everything I hoped for and more. It was not just any comic movie; it was a complex thriller full of drama and action where the hero just happens to wear a mask.
After seeing it, all I talked about (and still) talk about was The Dark Knight. When the people who hadn’t seen it grew bored of my “dark knight” talk, I went to the message boards with other fellow dark knight freaks and I talked about the Joker’s best lines, whether I would pick Bruce Wayne or Harvey Dent if I were in Rachel’s shoes, and what my favorite parts were. Then I went to the “hidden” Dark Knight Websites like Joker’s webpage and Gotham News Network’s website. I posed in front of the Joker’s actual suit worn by Heath Ledger and the Batpod when they were exhibited at my local theatre.
I am now interested in being a comic book geek wanting to read the Batman Graphic Novel “The Killing Joke” and the Watchmen graphic novel after getting addicted to the trailer with the beautiful Smashing Pumpkins song.
So basically, my eyes have opened or a part of my brain has illuminated just by watching The Dark Knight, I want to be a comic book geek now, want to see the dark knight at least four times (I’ve only seen it twice), and want to recite the joker’s lines by heart.
At some point, on some day, like flickers of light, I think of “tim” and wonder how many times HES seen it, and what HE thought about certain parts, and what Joker scene HE loved the most. Like a flash of light, it illuminates for a second, and for that second, it’s your decision to catch that light or let it go.
I let it go.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
The J. Geils Method
I’m a semi- dramatic person, and for a semi-breakup, I try to think of songs that could help me deal with this semi- breakup. I try not to let certain thoughts enter my brain. Not sexy thoughts (dirty mind!) but you know thoughts like um…….all the “I like you” mix tapes I could have made for him of bands I love, all the star wars conversations we could have had, you know thoughts like that….chick thoughts.
Instead of feeling like shite to songs like “walk on by” and I don’t know Coldplay songs?( sorry can’t think of semi-breakup songs), I instead choose the J. Geils band method. I am currently hearing “Love Stinks” by them which sort of says the truth of love, like,crushes and everything in between. (“Love Stinks Yeh Yeh”) There is some truth in those lyrics.
Another J. Geils Band song that sort of gives me hope is “Centerfold”. Yep,“Centerfold”.
The dude I am semi-breaking up with had a thing with forgetting stuff, which pissed me off and well you never know ;If I wanted to I might be in one of those playboy mags, I mean I have the skinny body I guess, got big boobs so that’s what really matters in those mags, I’ll take them out of hiding and
Maybe his memory will be sold with me as a “centerfold”. You never know.
I have so much confidence in me that I ‘m thinking of being a playboy starlet; never thought I would think that in my lifetime.
Thanks J. Geils Band, your sexy swagger like music is so 80s but so appropriate for me right now.
J. Geils Band "Love Stinks"
J. Geils Band "Centerfold"
Instead of feeling like shite to songs like “walk on by” and I don’t know Coldplay songs?( sorry can’t think of semi-breakup songs), I instead choose the J. Geils band method. I am currently hearing “Love Stinks” by them which sort of says the truth of love, like,crushes and everything in between. (“Love Stinks Yeh Yeh”) There is some truth in those lyrics.
Another J. Geils Band song that sort of gives me hope is “Centerfold”. Yep,“Centerfold”.
The dude I am semi-breaking up with had a thing with forgetting stuff, which pissed me off and well you never know ;If I wanted to I might be in one of those playboy mags, I mean I have the skinny body I guess, got big boobs so that’s what really matters in those mags, I’ll take them out of hiding and
Maybe his memory will be sold with me as a “centerfold”. You never know.
I have so much confidence in me that I ‘m thinking of being a playboy starlet; never thought I would think that in my lifetime.
Thanks J. Geils Band, your sexy swagger like music is so 80s but so appropriate for me right now.
J. Geils Band "Love Stinks"
J. Geils Band "Centerfold"
Labels:
80s,
confidence,
diary entry,
ideas of him,
semi-breakup
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Bored to...
you know those antidrug commercials where kids are deflated or melted or something and they are just melting there or deflated there on the couch doing nothing?
That's how I feel without the assistance of drugs.
I'm on my couch feeling melted or something. But here is the loser part. Picture a deflated or melted young chick on the couch listening to disco tunes. yes disco tunes.
Andrea True, Hot Chocolate, KC and the Sunshine Band being played loudly while this girl just melts on the couch not moving an inch.
Andrea True Connection: "more more"
Van McCoy: "The Hustle"
Alicia Bridges- "I love the nightlife"
That's how I feel without the assistance of drugs.
I'm on my couch feeling melted or something. But here is the loser part. Picture a deflated or melted young chick on the couch listening to disco tunes. yes disco tunes.
Andrea True, Hot Chocolate, KC and the Sunshine Band being played loudly while this girl just melts on the couch not moving an inch.
Andrea True Connection: "more more"
Van McCoy: "The Hustle"
Alicia Bridges- "I love the nightlife"
Not A Second Time
okay after many days,I've gone from feeling good to feeling like slush today. I feel like a potato or something. just lying there, nothing to do, waiting to be skinned and turned into mush or some french delicacy.
"Not A Second Time" by The Beatles is what is happening to me at this moment. Literally.
You know you made me cry, I see no use in wondering why, I cry, for you
And now you've changed your mind, I see no reason to change mine, I cry, is through, oh
You're giving me the same old line, I'm wondering why
You hurt me then, you're back again, no, no, no, not a second time
You know you made me cry, I see no use in wondering why, I cry, for you, oo yeah
And now you've changed your mind, I see no reason to change mine, I cry, is through, oh
You're giving me the same old line, I'm wondering why
You hurt me then, you're back again, no, no, no, not a second time,
Not a second time, not the second time, no, no, no, no, not a second time
"Not A Second Time" by The Beatles is what is happening to me at this moment. Literally.
You know you made me cry, I see no use in wondering why, I cry, for you
And now you've changed your mind, I see no reason to change mine, I cry, is through, oh
You're giving me the same old line, I'm wondering why
You hurt me then, you're back again, no, no, no, not a second time
You know you made me cry, I see no use in wondering why, I cry, for you, oo yeah
And now you've changed your mind, I see no reason to change mine, I cry, is through, oh
You're giving me the same old line, I'm wondering why
You hurt me then, you're back again, no, no, no, not a second time,
Not a second time, not the second time, no, no, no, no, not a second time
Labels:
beat up love,
being a loser,
sadness,
stood up
Friday, June 27, 2008
nothing to report...yet
Hey, well I have nothing sad to report that I haven’t said already.
I wished you guys would tell me what to do with this person or whatever but yeah.
My Life’s work has been pretty good, so the vicious creature hasn’t really stalked me in the daytime and early evening. I’m unusually glad and happy this week, but it’s always the night when the creature stalks me giving me insomnia, so yeah nothing sad to report.
Sorry.
I wished you guys would tell me what to do with this person or whatever but yeah.
My Life’s work has been pretty good, so the vicious creature hasn’t really stalked me in the daytime and early evening. I’m unusually glad and happy this week, but it’s always the night when the creature stalks me giving me insomnia, so yeah nothing sad to report.
Sorry.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
(pt.3) The Vicious Creature Punching me in the face, the stomach,breaking my legs,etc
Well
the world advised me to call him or e-mail him and when I mean the world I mean THE WORLD. Everyone from rock stars, to my friends, to anonymous people told me to e-mail him when I told them my situation and so I did, asked him if he knew when we were getting our grades.
Maybe he could see through that e-mail which in reality it spelled something: D.A.T.E. He answered back and asked me a question concerning school; I answered it back but got no reply. Maybe because I didn’t ask him a question so the WORLD now told me to ask HIM out. So after a few days, I asked him if he wanted to see the new batman movie when it came out and I sort of questioned if he liked Batman (which is a surefire reply from a boy) but no answer til this day.
I don’t want to call him a douchebag, I know he’s nice and forgetful at times but I’m just gonna give up on the whole calling/emailing him. I don’t want to be a bother to him or him thinking I'm a stalker and I just don’t like to initiate everything. I’m not regretting what I did, I’m regretting the aftermath of it. Maybe He found out that thing I had written on his book.
And it wasn’t like I was in love with him, when I look for a beatles song to think of him, I can’t because they all say “love” or “heart” which makes my head go “no-no”. I wish they’d written a song about “liking” someone.
I don’t know, I wished that we could have had something, I’m trying to erase the images I had of him and me holding hands in the dark movie theatre, talking about flicks, influencing him with my rock music, make-out sessions, etc.
And even though the creature taunts me with those images every time I check my email or my voicemail messages, when it comes to Tim, I will try to remember only the time he turned around for me.
And how cute he looked.
I don’t know why I think of the sadness of this story with this song, but I do.
LightSpeed Champion’s “tell me what Its worth”
the world advised me to call him or e-mail him and when I mean the world I mean THE WORLD. Everyone from rock stars, to my friends, to anonymous people told me to e-mail him when I told them my situation and so I did, asked him if he knew when we were getting our grades.
Maybe he could see through that e-mail which in reality it spelled something: D.A.T.E. He answered back and asked me a question concerning school; I answered it back but got no reply. Maybe because I didn’t ask him a question so the WORLD now told me to ask HIM out. So after a few days, I asked him if he wanted to see the new batman movie when it came out and I sort of questioned if he liked Batman (which is a surefire reply from a boy) but no answer til this day.
I don’t want to call him a douchebag, I know he’s nice and forgetful at times but I’m just gonna give up on the whole calling/emailing him. I don’t want to be a bother to him or him thinking I'm a stalker and I just don’t like to initiate everything. I’m not regretting what I did, I’m regretting the aftermath of it. Maybe He found out that thing I had written on his book.
And it wasn’t like I was in love with him, when I look for a beatles song to think of him, I can’t because they all say “love” or “heart” which makes my head go “no-no”. I wish they’d written a song about “liking” someone.
I don’t know, I wished that we could have had something, I’m trying to erase the images I had of him and me holding hands in the dark movie theatre, talking about flicks, influencing him with my rock music, make-out sessions, etc.
And even though the creature taunts me with those images every time I check my email or my voicemail messages, when it comes to Tim, I will try to remember only the time he turned around for me.
And how cute he looked.
I don’t know why I think of the sadness of this story with this song, but I do.
LightSpeed Champion’s “tell me what Its worth”
Punching the vicious creature in the face (pt.2)
Nope.
I was walking to the classroom and before I even got to a 10 foot radius of the classroom, Tim ambushed me telling me He and I were the only ones there, the rest of the students hadn't arrived yet . (Life works in mysterious ways don’t it?)
I decided not to tell him right there about my feelings toward him so I comforted him about his nervousness over the project he had to present. I complimented his biker jacket, he told me of the lack of sleep he had to go through to make his project, we talked of stuff and he counted every person that arrived and would like the other students projects while telling me, his was horrible with only pictures. We talked more in the classroom over the professor being late once again and told me and the class he did not want to go up to present. Well while we waited, I thought he was at the peak of cuteness acting all jittery, walking around the classroom and wondering what to say. If he hadn’t looked that cute, I don’t think I would have told him.
Well after a few giggles in which at one point we looked at each other at the same time after the teacher had done an offensive thing to the whole class, he went up and his presentation was far from boring and as he talked he passed a book for the class to see. I think I was crazy at this point and I don’t know why I did it but I wrote in tiny letters in the back that I thought he was cute and wrote my initials. Well the written exam was never administered and we were all free to go our separate ways, I followed him and we chatted away about Indiana Jones and the “Fridge” scene and other stuff and the event happened, the vicious creature taunted me:
“do it do it now or you’ll never see him again”
“come on loser, you know what?, you’d never do it
not in a million years”
I probably blurted, “hey tim, I want to tell you something ,I’ve never done this before so here it goes and I can’t look at you when I tell you so turn around”.
The bastard turned around. He turned around. That was the sweetest thing I had ever seen done in front of me. Cute bastard.
I told him I liked him and he turned around.
He gave me this look, this “why didn’t you tell me before” look and immediately told me that we had to get together, He told me if I had his e-mail. I did. I told him I didn’t have his number and lied that I had forgotten my phone. He took out his notebook and gave me his number as he called it giving it to me the “old fashioned way”. If I had had more guts, I would have given him a peck on the cheek but I didn’t, we walked our separate ways to our other exams and it felt weird what I had done.
I felt like Jon Favreau’s character in Swingers, fake ripping the number a girl had given him.
I sincerely wish this was the end of my story but like my life, at the end of the street as I’m walking happily, there’s vicious creature with his cronies ready to punch me in the stomach several times until blood comes out of my mouth.
I was walking to the classroom and before I even got to a 10 foot radius of the classroom, Tim ambushed me telling me He and I were the only ones there, the rest of the students hadn't arrived yet . (Life works in mysterious ways don’t it?)
I decided not to tell him right there about my feelings toward him so I comforted him about his nervousness over the project he had to present. I complimented his biker jacket, he told me of the lack of sleep he had to go through to make his project, we talked of stuff and he counted every person that arrived and would like the other students projects while telling me, his was horrible with only pictures. We talked more in the classroom over the professor being late once again and told me and the class he did not want to go up to present. Well while we waited, I thought he was at the peak of cuteness acting all jittery, walking around the classroom and wondering what to say. If he hadn’t looked that cute, I don’t think I would have told him.
Well after a few giggles in which at one point we looked at each other at the same time after the teacher had done an offensive thing to the whole class, he went up and his presentation was far from boring and as he talked he passed a book for the class to see. I think I was crazy at this point and I don’t know why I did it but I wrote in tiny letters in the back that I thought he was cute and wrote my initials. Well the written exam was never administered and we were all free to go our separate ways, I followed him and we chatted away about Indiana Jones and the “Fridge” scene and other stuff and the event happened, the vicious creature taunted me:
“do it do it now or you’ll never see him again”
“come on loser, you know what?, you’d never do it
not in a million years”
I probably blurted, “hey tim, I want to tell you something ,I’ve never done this before so here it goes and I can’t look at you when I tell you so turn around”.
The bastard turned around. He turned around. That was the sweetest thing I had ever seen done in front of me. Cute bastard.
I told him I liked him and he turned around.
He gave me this look, this “why didn’t you tell me before” look and immediately told me that we had to get together, He told me if I had his e-mail. I did. I told him I didn’t have his number and lied that I had forgotten my phone. He took out his notebook and gave me his number as he called it giving it to me the “old fashioned way”. If I had had more guts, I would have given him a peck on the cheek but I didn’t, we walked our separate ways to our other exams and it felt weird what I had done.
I felt like Jon Favreau’s character in Swingers, fake ripping the number a girl had given him.
I sincerely wish this was the end of my story but like my life, at the end of the street as I’m walking happily, there’s vicious creature with his cronies ready to punch me in the stomach several times until blood comes out of my mouth.
Labels:
Crushes,
cuteness,
heartsickness,
likeness,
splendor
Punching the vicious creature in the gut (pt.1)
Well this College Year, I sort of kicked the vicious creature in the balls and even though they probably hurt like hell when I did kick them, it only lasted for a few days because then the creature began to mock me. Mock me for being a loser for what I had done.
It all began in this new semester where I joined a class that I thought would be interesting knowing about a new culture I only vaguely knew. The class was a wreck with the professor going off-topic so many times; the professor never really taught us anything that we didn’t already know. With the professor arriving late all the time, the whole class formed a sort of bond, a bond for the dislike of the professor. We would talk about all the errors the teacher made, and the times the teacher’s short temper fuse would explode in our faces. That is where I met this guy, funny guy, always laughing; I don’t really want to give his real name so let’s call him something funny, I don’t know Tim, I always thought it was funny after I saw Tim the Sorcerer in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. No offense to all the Tim’s out there. So anyway, Tim was a funny guy, really made the class laugh and I don’t know at one point I talked to him and we talked about the professor, the class, Star Wars, and Indiana Jones. He was a normal looking fella, tall, I thought he was cute, didn’t like the hair or the tired eyes, but they went with his cuteness. Well he was extremely friendly, and if I can remember he organized some sort of museum trip one time and I joined giving him my number (never done that before) but when I went to go meet him and the other classmates, he was nowhere to be seen. When I went to class the next day, Tim hadn’t shown up and didn’t for two weeks. I asked the others and they didn’t go because the plan had scrapped.
When he did come back, I was sort of pissed at him, not looking in his direction, not looking at him when he made funny jokes and I think he got the message because I can remember him going near where I was sitting just to look at something someone had in my row. Also, it seemed odd one time when we had to give ideas about a project; he immediately said to write something about Indiana Jones in which he immediately looked at me. I went WTF? Or when the class was still going on about ideas for a project and he joked, “what about something on how cute I am?” He looked at me; I gave the nice smile but wondered were those curve balls for me? I can be a doofus sometimes, no, I am a doofus at times.
Well I don’t know when I started to like him, was it because he unbeknownst hid me with his height because I didn’t want this girl to see me? He wasn’t TALL tall but you know average guy height. But every time I did something concerning the class, I would think of him. So I don’t know when it happened but I theorize that it was a “crush of convenience”. I mean, he was there, I thought he was cute, let’s go with it. I mean I wasn’t head over heels for him, I was with painter dude, and I guess I regretted not ever telling him that so I thought, I’m not going to let this one get away. So I announced to my best friend that I would tell Tim that I liked him, and I didn’t care if It seemed like a feminist move or not. The Plan would be in Fate/God’s hands, there was to be a written examination and if Tim and I happen to finish at the same time, and we leave at the same time and are chatting away, I would do it, tell him I liked him. If not, no hard feelings for I only liked him out of convenience. Ahhh, God likes to do things differently and he did on that day, I was decked out in some great indie threads and I thought I’ll go in the room, he’ll see me all cool and maybe he’ll talk to me, like my jacket.
It all began in this new semester where I joined a class that I thought would be interesting knowing about a new culture I only vaguely knew. The class was a wreck with the professor going off-topic so many times; the professor never really taught us anything that we didn’t already know. With the professor arriving late all the time, the whole class formed a sort of bond, a bond for the dislike of the professor. We would talk about all the errors the teacher made, and the times the teacher’s short temper fuse would explode in our faces. That is where I met this guy, funny guy, always laughing; I don’t really want to give his real name so let’s call him something funny, I don’t know Tim, I always thought it was funny after I saw Tim the Sorcerer in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. No offense to all the Tim’s out there. So anyway, Tim was a funny guy, really made the class laugh and I don’t know at one point I talked to him and we talked about the professor, the class, Star Wars, and Indiana Jones. He was a normal looking fella, tall, I thought he was cute, didn’t like the hair or the tired eyes, but they went with his cuteness. Well he was extremely friendly, and if I can remember he organized some sort of museum trip one time and I joined giving him my number (never done that before) but when I went to go meet him and the other classmates, he was nowhere to be seen. When I went to class the next day, Tim hadn’t shown up and didn’t for two weeks. I asked the others and they didn’t go because the plan had scrapped.
When he did come back, I was sort of pissed at him, not looking in his direction, not looking at him when he made funny jokes and I think he got the message because I can remember him going near where I was sitting just to look at something someone had in my row. Also, it seemed odd one time when we had to give ideas about a project; he immediately said to write something about Indiana Jones in which he immediately looked at me. I went WTF? Or when the class was still going on about ideas for a project and he joked, “what about something on how cute I am?” He looked at me; I gave the nice smile but wondered were those curve balls for me? I can be a doofus sometimes, no, I am a doofus at times.
Well I don’t know when I started to like him, was it because he unbeknownst hid me with his height because I didn’t want this girl to see me? He wasn’t TALL tall but you know average guy height. But every time I did something concerning the class, I would think of him. So I don’t know when it happened but I theorize that it was a “crush of convenience”. I mean, he was there, I thought he was cute, let’s go with it. I mean I wasn’t head over heels for him, I was with painter dude, and I guess I regretted not ever telling him that so I thought, I’m not going to let this one get away. So I announced to my best friend that I would tell Tim that I liked him, and I didn’t care if It seemed like a feminist move or not. The Plan would be in Fate/God’s hands, there was to be a written examination and if Tim and I happen to finish at the same time, and we leave at the same time and are chatting away, I would do it, tell him I liked him. If not, no hard feelings for I only liked him out of convenience. Ahhh, God likes to do things differently and he did on that day, I was decked out in some great indie threads and I thought I’ll go in the room, he’ll see me all cool and maybe he’ll talk to me, like my jacket.
There are no Lloyd Doblers in the world
There are no Lloyd Doblers in this world. I thought I had found a Lloyd Dobler, but he just sort of looked like him. When I was in college, there was this guy in my class that fit the Lloyd Dobler model, tall and lanky, with the Lloyd Dobler haircut, not the good looks of John Cusack but he had the humor and it made him attractive. He was a sophomore, so I guess a wise fool in a sense. He was over 6 feet tall and I always saw him in one of my classes with his hippie friend. I didn’t care for this Lloyd Dobler look alike but always found it strange when at times, he would look at me or so it seemed, (you know how I never know). Whenever we presented various presentations, aside from being nervous I would see him look at me, looking like a Giraffe with his long neck. Around Campus, I saw him from my window looking so out there, he looked like a rocker but I doubt he knew I existed. I don’t know if it was the different climate or the freedom but I got the nerve to e-mail him some crap message and of course, all he did was act rude. I would ask simple questions, what was the assignment for tomorrow? , what is your favorite punk band?, he would politely reply and not ask me a question. I would definitely call that rude.
Would Lloyd Dobler do that? I sincerely doubt it.
Well I didn’t want to be a bother to him or him thinking I was a stalker and I didn’t like initiating everything so I stopped the e-mailing and I sort of ignored him, I tried talking to him once but I felt all weird inside, like when I meet a Rock Star I admire. I don’t know if it was the height or what but my insides hurt, and I was just embarrassed with myself. Of all my dark periods, I think that is my darkest.
When I look back on it, I think of it as a hazy memory with a pink ribbon through it. I’ll always remember looking from my window seeing him cross the campus. As I recuperated from this incident, I listened to Vampire Weekend, and they put my situation perfectly in their song appropriately named “Campus”. Whenever I hear “Campus”, I think of the feelings I had back then and how I will remember my first College crush.
Vampire Weekend- "Campus"
Would Lloyd Dobler do that? I sincerely doubt it.
Well I didn’t want to be a bother to him or him thinking I was a stalker and I didn’t like initiating everything so I stopped the e-mailing and I sort of ignored him, I tried talking to him once but I felt all weird inside, like when I meet a Rock Star I admire. I don’t know if it was the height or what but my insides hurt, and I was just embarrassed with myself. Of all my dark periods, I think that is my darkest.
When I look back on it, I think of it as a hazy memory with a pink ribbon through it. I’ll always remember looking from my window seeing him cross the campus. As I recuperated from this incident, I listened to Vampire Weekend, and they put my situation perfectly in their song appropriately named “Campus”. Whenever I hear “Campus”, I think of the feelings I had back then and how I will remember my first College crush.
Vampire Weekend- "Campus"
Vicious as Always
Again, Loser girl does an achievement of pathetic loserness, if that is even a word which I don’t think it is. So I got to see this UK band play an intimate show, I had a great spot, the only thing blocking me was an 8 year old girl and in the back of me was some guy and some crazed fan. The band begins to play and I don’t know if it was me he was looking at, but the drummer begins to smile at me. I imagined myself turning red as a red beet at this moment. I mean I never thought the drummer was hot, I mean I had a thing for the singer but after finding out he was taken, I just saw them as an awesome rock band. The drummer was not bad looking, the bassist was very friendly to me because I had met him earlier but when the drummer gave me this nice smile, I was like is he fucking looking at me? Well, as they played their show and as I looked at them, I couldn’t help but turn different shades of red whenever I saw the drummer possibly looking at me. So instead I looked at the band as a whole, spent some seconds looking at the guitarist and the bassist and tried looking at the drummer for like a milli-second. Apparently this sort of backfired if indeed he did look at me because he then sort of acted like whatever to me when I met him but I guess he thought I was hung up on the singer or something because as I saw his face, it looked like “why does the singer get all the girls and not me?” look. I would have told him I wasn’t looking at the singer but him but like always I have no guts. Yeah, he probably wasn’t looking at me, it was probably some other chick cuz there were a lot of chicks there, yeah he was looking at some other girl. But, boy that illusion that he saw me did feel nice.
Labels:
being a loser,
blushiness,
rockers,
rockstars
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
ugly hidden shadows
In my spare time, I try to think of the factors that made me such a fucked up loser. I try to think of the things I thought and believed when I was a girl, the books I read, the songs I heard, and the films I saw. After crossing out books (I doubt “the little train that could” and “hello kitty goes to town” would influence me negatively) and music (“I wanna rock” and “yellow submarine” didn’t make me heart sick) It comes down to the films I saw, most particularly Disney Films. I sincerely doubt Mickey Mouse’s tales and those merry melodies made me the way I am now but I am mostly talking about those “princess” movies that have horribly influenced women for more than 70 years.
Snow White: Why did I like this movie as a kid? Did I hope for a wishing well to grant my wish of finding a prince who would take me to his kingdom in his white steed? That is so laughable to me. Did I hope of finding love one day at Snow White’s age with furry creatures all around me? Well I’m well Snow White’s age and I doubt that will happen to me anytime soon.
Cinderella: I can imagine the brainwashing occurring as I watched this piece of fluff. Girl dreams of happiness but can’t tell her dreams to her (again) furry friends or “they won’t come true”. Wow, I bet you I had dreams and didn’t tell them to anyone on account of them hoping to be real, I probably had a dream on a crush I had on a boy in junior high or elementary and did they come true? Nope. But the heart of the story lingered on in my mind, with the ball, that damn song, the slipper, need I go on? Brainwashing!
Little Mermaid: Girl dreams of being with someone of another world, does it without speaking a word of her mind, her thoughts, and ends up being married to him. That would be a dull marriage, do they like the same things, do they have the same political views, and do they laugh at the same things? None of that was covered in the film and this just led to the message: shut your mouth and you may get a man.
Pocahontas: This one is bittersweet for me. After watching this film, I can remember loving the inter-racial romance they had and wished one like that for me; a guy like Captain John Smith, all man and with a sense of adventure and not giving a hoot about what people thought. Of course, later I would find out white guys of that particular caliber don’t exist anymore, instead some, when young are lunk heads who like to binge drink on the weekends, obsess over their ATV/car/motorcycle, watch family guy and have only eyes for equal looking white girl lunk heads who think old is 1984, wear what those girls on “The hills” wear, obsess over where they are going for spring break, and binge drink at anywhere festive or festive looking. And they never would take anyone other than white seriously; they’d have them but just to “try” out, never for anything “serious” such as marriage. And then the vicious circle is complete when they marry and begin another generation of shadow racists. Again, I am making presumptions on people of the Abercrombie and Fitch set, the frat guys and sorority girls, not ALL white people. Some are awesome, artists who paint, musicians, writers, basically anyone who hasn’t wasted all their brain cells and reads the onion and listens to my morning jacket and watches the daily show. I see lunkheads all the time, A blonde short haired handsome guy with flip flops, khaki shorts, a Abercrombie shirt. I can tell his likes and dislikes by just looking at him, but then when I see a guy with converse shoes, regular jeans, a grey t-shirt with an black blazer and a devo pin on the lapel looking absolutely handsome with his shaggy dirty blonde hair, I see him as a mystery wanting to know more about him. Now I go for those interesting guys but back then, as a teen it was a big blow for me when I knew that those “frat guys” would only see me as an “experience” and never as a girlfriend.
Well we sort of went off the brainwashing path didn’t we? Well these films give hope and fantasy to girls believing that they are going to find their true love and end up happily ever after. They imagine they’ll meet them in a forest or something and that the first guy they’ll meet will be “the one”. I believe with the exception of Mulan, all these “princess” films should be banned on the account of leading girls to illusions of love and happiness when in reality love is heartbreaking, horrid, and really a depressing thing only to humor the fates above.
Snow White: Why did I like this movie as a kid? Did I hope for a wishing well to grant my wish of finding a prince who would take me to his kingdom in his white steed? That is so laughable to me. Did I hope of finding love one day at Snow White’s age with furry creatures all around me? Well I’m well Snow White’s age and I doubt that will happen to me anytime soon.
Cinderella: I can imagine the brainwashing occurring as I watched this piece of fluff. Girl dreams of happiness but can’t tell her dreams to her (again) furry friends or “they won’t come true”. Wow, I bet you I had dreams and didn’t tell them to anyone on account of them hoping to be real, I probably had a dream on a crush I had on a boy in junior high or elementary and did they come true? Nope. But the heart of the story lingered on in my mind, with the ball, that damn song, the slipper, need I go on? Brainwashing!
Little Mermaid: Girl dreams of being with someone of another world, does it without speaking a word of her mind, her thoughts, and ends up being married to him. That would be a dull marriage, do they like the same things, do they have the same political views, and do they laugh at the same things? None of that was covered in the film and this just led to the message: shut your mouth and you may get a man.
Pocahontas: This one is bittersweet for me. After watching this film, I can remember loving the inter-racial romance they had and wished one like that for me; a guy like Captain John Smith, all man and with a sense of adventure and not giving a hoot about what people thought. Of course, later I would find out white guys of that particular caliber don’t exist anymore, instead some, when young are lunk heads who like to binge drink on the weekends, obsess over their ATV/car/motorcycle, watch family guy and have only eyes for equal looking white girl lunk heads who think old is 1984, wear what those girls on “The hills” wear, obsess over where they are going for spring break, and binge drink at anywhere festive or festive looking. And they never would take anyone other than white seriously; they’d have them but just to “try” out, never for anything “serious” such as marriage. And then the vicious circle is complete when they marry and begin another generation of shadow racists. Again, I am making presumptions on people of the Abercrombie and Fitch set, the frat guys and sorority girls, not ALL white people. Some are awesome, artists who paint, musicians, writers, basically anyone who hasn’t wasted all their brain cells and reads the onion and listens to my morning jacket and watches the daily show. I see lunkheads all the time, A blonde short haired handsome guy with flip flops, khaki shorts, a Abercrombie shirt. I can tell his likes and dislikes by just looking at him, but then when I see a guy with converse shoes, regular jeans, a grey t-shirt with an black blazer and a devo pin on the lapel looking absolutely handsome with his shaggy dirty blonde hair, I see him as a mystery wanting to know more about him. Now I go for those interesting guys but back then, as a teen it was a big blow for me when I knew that those “frat guys” would only see me as an “experience” and never as a girlfriend.
Well we sort of went off the brainwashing path didn’t we? Well these films give hope and fantasy to girls believing that they are going to find their true love and end up happily ever after. They imagine they’ll meet them in a forest or something and that the first guy they’ll meet will be “the one”. I believe with the exception of Mulan, all these “princess” films should be banned on the account of leading girls to illusions of love and happiness when in reality love is heartbreaking, horrid, and really a depressing thing only to humor the fates above.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
far off base
You know you're a loser when.....
one of your family members, who was a nun for 20+ years gets pregnant.
Now it boggles the mind. In my large devout family, she was a person to look up to. She was a nun in another country for years, given her youth to God and everything that comes with it. I'd never met her before but heard of all her adventures to all these countries I'd never heard of and some I had heard.
Then word gets out that she has left the order and is coming to visit us and my other relatives. I wondered, why would she leave?
I thought of the worst, did she see something she wasn't supposed to see? what with that "priest" thing happening, maybe she saw corruption and left immediately.
She came, a plain woman with curves and short "nunlike" hair and cried everytime the subject came up on why she had left, after some wrangling and coaxing from some of my gossip hungry relatives the truth came out: she was pregnant.
This 40ish woman was preggers.
Now, this makes my life a bit sad. She's old, was a nun, and has probably gone through all the four bases when I haven't even gone to first base . very pitiful.
Very low life for me.
But then again, this could be like a lesson for me. Rumor has it that she met "the guy" at a university and my guess is he "Sweettalked" her, telling her lies about her being pretty and whatnot, and before you know it she ends up pregnant with his child.
this could be a lesson for me: don't trust sweettalking guys, better yet, don't trust guys at all. be alone and write sad poetry on scraps of paper
one of your family members, who was a nun for 20+ years gets pregnant.
Now it boggles the mind. In my large devout family, she was a person to look up to. She was a nun in another country for years, given her youth to God and everything that comes with it. I'd never met her before but heard of all her adventures to all these countries I'd never heard of and some I had heard.
Then word gets out that she has left the order and is coming to visit us and my other relatives. I wondered, why would she leave?
I thought of the worst, did she see something she wasn't supposed to see? what with that "priest" thing happening, maybe she saw corruption and left immediately.
She came, a plain woman with curves and short "nunlike" hair and cried everytime the subject came up on why she had left, after some wrangling and coaxing from some of my gossip hungry relatives the truth came out: she was pregnant.
This 40ish woman was preggers.
Now, this makes my life a bit sad. She's old, was a nun, and has probably gone through all the four bases when I haven't even gone to first base . very pitiful.
Very low life for me.
But then again, this could be like a lesson for me. Rumor has it that she met "the guy" at a university and my guess is he "Sweettalked" her, telling her lies about her being pretty and whatnot, and before you know it she ends up pregnant with his child.
this could be a lesson for me: don't trust sweettalking guys, better yet, don't trust guys at all. be alone and write sad poetry on scraps of paper
Thursday, June 5, 2008
so over it
Now that “come hither” rock star is out of the picture, I think more of the guy before him. I’d love to tell you his name but I’d rather not but he is the one I wrote a poem about, an ode to artist boy? Yeah that’s him, artist boy. Artist boy was probably the third boy that I found attractive that liked me. He was so handsome in that artist type way. I loved going to my history class every other day because I would see him and he would do all these things just to get my attention. At first, I thought he was looking at someone else (which is usually the case) but after looking around me one day seeing that I was surrounded by guys, I thought in a teeny tiny way that he was possibly looking at me. Stuff started to happen that could not be explained, I would sit in my seat and he would immediately sit in the next row looking at me. As the professor lectured, He would make faces or try to wave at me, tried to tap his shoe on my desk, anything to get my attention while I stupidly listened to the professor jotting down notes. Another sign that seemed to make my suspicions more concrete was when he sat where he always did in the next row and as the whole class turned to look what someone was saying in the back of the classroom, a guy in the back of me looked at me and then at artist boy. What that guy must have been thinking: ‘are they an item?’ which sort of proved that artist boy was looking at me the whole time and not some other chick. Now every time I went to class I had to deal with nervousness and blushing, I was so scared of what he might do, he was bold in doing all those things to get my attention what might come next?
Well the last bold thing that I remember he did was when he sat next to me. The girl that usually sat next to me was a bit uptight that there was a backpack on her seat. She sat elsewhere and artist boy sat next to me. I was fidgety and scared. He took out this black box in which his drawing pencils were stored. He would draw as we waited for the professor to arrive. I would write incoherent things in my planner, making myself busy. From then on, he would always sit next to me, drawing something on his artist’s notebook. One time I was doodling something on my notebook and I secretly looked at him and he was trying to see what I was drawing. Another time as I was studying for my Art Exam, I couldn’t let him distract me but I saw him trying to look at my study guide full of artistic pictures. I was an idiot not having the ability to look him in the eye or saying hi, and I guess he thought I was a snob or something because he stopped coming to class. He came one day and I felt like I would see him for the last time so I stupidly asked for some gum, he said no and I said okay I think. He didn’t show up at all after that.
Gone were the times when I would leave class, and he would quietly observe me, gone were the times He tapped his pen when I tapped it, and gone were the times when he would look at me when I laughed in class and when I would look at him when he defended jon stewart and the hybrid car.
After that ,class was a bore; an imitator or stalker of sorts tried to impress me with stupid facts and I yearned for artist boy to come back and protect me from that loser. Then one day, He came to see the teacher. He looked so different, he looked like a cute beatnik with his scruffy beard and I now he saw me but I couldn’t see him. He wrote something in the desk in front of me, probably to get me to notice him and remember. I did remember but I just couldn’t see him in the eye or smile at him. I know he probably thought I was a snobby bitch, but I deserve it.
Well the last bold thing that I remember he did was when he sat next to me. The girl that usually sat next to me was a bit uptight that there was a backpack on her seat. She sat elsewhere and artist boy sat next to me. I was fidgety and scared. He took out this black box in which his drawing pencils were stored. He would draw as we waited for the professor to arrive. I would write incoherent things in my planner, making myself busy. From then on, he would always sit next to me, drawing something on his artist’s notebook. One time I was doodling something on my notebook and I secretly looked at him and he was trying to see what I was drawing. Another time as I was studying for my Art Exam, I couldn’t let him distract me but I saw him trying to look at my study guide full of artistic pictures. I was an idiot not having the ability to look him in the eye or saying hi, and I guess he thought I was a snob or something because he stopped coming to class. He came one day and I felt like I would see him for the last time so I stupidly asked for some gum, he said no and I said okay I think. He didn’t show up at all after that.
Gone were the times when I would leave class, and he would quietly observe me, gone were the times He tapped his pen when I tapped it, and gone were the times when he would look at me when I laughed in class and when I would look at him when he defended jon stewart and the hybrid car.
After that ,class was a bore; an imitator or stalker of sorts tried to impress me with stupid facts and I yearned for artist boy to come back and protect me from that loser. Then one day, He came to see the teacher. He looked so different, he looked like a cute beatnik with his scruffy beard and I now he saw me but I couldn’t see him. He wrote something in the desk in front of me, probably to get me to notice him and remember. I did remember but I just couldn’t see him in the eye or smile at him. I know he probably thought I was a snobby bitch, but I deserve it.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
weekends are bad for me
I bloody contradict myself so much.
you know if weekends didn't exist, I'd be okay doing my thing being focused on my work. not thinking about " come hither" rockstar.
but the weekend has ruined my mantra.
I'm looking at his vids on youtube and want to see him in the flesh one more time just to get this thing I have off my back. get these ludicrous fantasies over with.
If the economy was in good shape, I would go 1000 miles to see him which is the next closest place he is going near me. damn you economy!
you know if weekends didn't exist, I'd be okay doing my thing being focused on my work. not thinking about " come hither" rockstar.
but the weekend has ruined my mantra.
I'm looking at his vids on youtube and want to see him in the flesh one more time just to get this thing I have off my back. get these ludicrous fantasies over with.
If the economy was in good shape, I would go 1000 miles to see him which is the next closest place he is going near me. damn you economy!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Masochistic
I never noticed it before, but after reading the lyrics, this has to be the most masochistic song I have ever heard. good tune though. Janis Joplin rules.
victorian furnishings
I sometimes think nasty thoughts about the “come hither” rock star. I imagine us making out in a hotel room with Victorian furnishings. I don't know why. I’ve never made out with anyone in my life before so I think it would be heavenly with him. I imagine him holding my hand as he shows me around London, where I assume he lives. I show him around where I live, the sights, the sounds, the beach, and downtown. Actually, I think more of the making out part in my fantasies. I try to imagine what my friends would think, how much it would cost for him to go from England to where I live every weekend, and vice versa but I can’t. I think of caressing his white skinny rocker body, touching his face and hair which must feel so silky, taking off his raggedy designer clothes and have no idea what to do with him after that. I have not had “ real life experience “ with sex so after that fantasy of me taking off his raggedy shirt, a red curtain is pulled down censoring what is to happen next, or a slow cinematic fadeout or a camera panning to a fireplace or the stars happens in my mind. I know sex is nothing like in the movies but I have seen so many make-out scenes on celluloid that that’s all there is on my mind: serious making out, rock star kissing me passionately but then fadeout. When I try to create X-rated scenes, I Just remember that scene from “The 40 Year old Virgin” when Steve Carell’s character tries to imagine an erotic fantasy but ends up watching “Everybody loves Raymond”. Only in my case it would be “30 Rock”. I guess my mind is actually clean but wants to be filthy so badly.
I would regret writing this “blog” entry, you know the old saying “don’t count your chicks before they hatch”? but I’m not naming names, it could be anyone to the fates and I’m expressing my true feelings and emotions like I would to a journal, a shooting star, or a priest so I don’t believe I’m giving myself bad luck and I don’t believe it counts. At least that's what I'm telling myself.
I guess that is my last fantasy on “come hither” rock star. Back to reality.
I would regret writing this “blog” entry, you know the old saying “don’t count your chicks before they hatch”? but I’m not naming names, it could be anyone to the fates and I’m expressing my true feelings and emotions like I would to a journal, a shooting star, or a priest so I don’t believe I’m giving myself bad luck and I don’t believe it counts. At least that's what I'm telling myself.
I guess that is my last fantasy on “come hither” rock star. Back to reality.
Labels:
being a loser,
euphoria,
rockers,
rockstars of the mind
"come hither"
It’s been more than a week and I’m still thinking of the “come hither” rock star. As I play him on my MP3, I feel like he is whispering in my ear, singing to me. I promised myself that this would be the last weekend to fantasize about him and then have the vicious creature take over but it’s still on my mind. He definitely took my mind away from a current failed love interest so I thank him for it, but it has made me feel too whimsy and naïve. So starting today, I will go and check on you tube interviews, concerts of him and his band and I will face my reality that I’m just another girl. Please note I don’t seek pleasure in doing this but what’s worse, finding out you’re just another girl as you see him doing the same thing to a prettier girl on the web in the privacy of your own home OR going to see them live or at a music event such as a CD signing and seeing the guy you thought about for weeks, the star of your daydreams blow you off and flirting with another girl in front of you, your heart being so broken and smashed that you have to scrape it from the wall you were leaning against? I rather feel disappointed and realistic on my home computer for a day than feeling depressed for weeks.
Labels:
being a loser,
patheticness,
rockstars,
vicious advice
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
glitt
Anarchistic potents
Thrill my mind
Glittering illusions
Install on my eyes
Frankness instills my mind
Gems of truth
Fall from my mouth
And buzzing fears
Pass through my hands.
My hearing is sound
Yet I cannot hear love, death, or sighs
Sighs
Sigh.
Thrill my mind
Glittering illusions
Install on my eyes
Frankness instills my mind
Gems of truth
Fall from my mouth
And buzzing fears
Pass through my hands.
My hearing is sound
Yet I cannot hear love, death, or sighs
Sighs
Sigh.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
reed encounters
Sometimes when the vicious creature is up to no good and I am in a depressive mood, it seems to stalk me with all the mistakes I've done in potential love interests to make me feel even worse than ever. This is routine for me,so I think of all the good things that came out of it such as the story of the boy I will name Reed.
I saw this boy only three times more than a year ago and yet I sometimes think of him either when the creature comes out or when I want to feel some type of euphoria or thoughts of someone actually liking me.
Now, many boys have looked at me since I was 15, but I can only count on one hand who I actually liked and possibly liked me back.
I first saw this boy at a concert, my friends fawned over him with his beatle hair cut circa 1965, his skinny jeans and peter pan collar leather jacket which had a velvet underground pin on it. His eyes were amber hued and had handsome features. I didn't care for him one bit, I thought he looked like a chick but my friend went to the point of taking a picture of him without his knowledge just as a memento of his "cuteness". We decided to call him "reed" after Lou Reed, leader of the Velvet Underground and that was that.
Then I went to see this other band the next month, not expecting what I was expecting and I must say now that I recall it, it was a crazy night. first, I met the band in the daytime, then the band played about 12 songs in which they usually sing 4 at this venue, and reed was there. I hadn't noticed him until I was waiting for the band to come out as my friend (who had taken the pic) punched my arm and told me to look in the back, I looked and I saw him with his hoodie over his head. I must admit, he was the most handsome guy I had ever seen, he didn't look like a girl anymore, but more like a cute rocker boy. I told my friends that I saw him and then the spotlight was put on me as an admirer of me shall we say came looking for me ; let's call her short girl and she told the people all crowded around me waiting for the band about all the concerts I've been to. As she proclaimed all the venues I had been to, all the rockstars I've seen and how she couldn't get in, I caught the eye of reed. Reed smiled at me and of course my first thoughts were "does he want to get all nice to me to cut in front of me? no way!" As I turned to the back where he was to talk to some friends,I always saw him smiling at me, I was very stunned thinking is he smiling at me?
well the band never came out and me and my friends left to eat. The next few moments I cannot explain, I was lagging behind my friends
reed was walking in my direction
my friends were way ahead of me , miles away
I stopped
he stopped
time felt like it stopped, I felt my heart melting away
he smiled
and I ran.
I ran after my friends and my friends never noticed anything.
And as they talked about "reed" and how he looked oh so hot, I couldn't stop my face from turning all shades of red and tried to change the subject.
I confided to one of my friends about this and she told me I had had "a movie moment".
I thought of this constantly only to be disappointed the next month as I went to see another band and saw him at the end of the concert surrounded by a circle of girls. He didn't see me, it was dark but it looked as if he was an idol god to these girls which none looked like the head girlfriend but instead as a circle of friends, I didn't feel jealous, but disappointed into thinking the possibility that he was gay. He didn't look gay.
but basically what feels like a shot to the heart was that "movie moment".
Why couldn't I have said hi too?
Why didn't I smile?
Why am I so stupid?
of course vicious creature comes in saying:
-he probably is gay
-he is a player, he wanted to add you to his collection.
-why are you thinking about that moment so much? I bet he hasn't even thought of it because he's a guy and probably threw that memory into the trash and if you did see him he probably wouldn't remember you.
thanks creature.
Now, I don't think of him that much though occasionally I will, to remember that movie moment but that last moment will alway kill me.
I saw this boy only three times more than a year ago and yet I sometimes think of him either when the creature comes out or when I want to feel some type of euphoria or thoughts of someone actually liking me.
Now, many boys have looked at me since I was 15, but I can only count on one hand who I actually liked and possibly liked me back.
I first saw this boy at a concert, my friends fawned over him with his beatle hair cut circa 1965, his skinny jeans and peter pan collar leather jacket which had a velvet underground pin on it. His eyes were amber hued and had handsome features. I didn't care for him one bit, I thought he looked like a chick but my friend went to the point of taking a picture of him without his knowledge just as a memento of his "cuteness". We decided to call him "reed" after Lou Reed, leader of the Velvet Underground and that was that.
Then I went to see this other band the next month, not expecting what I was expecting and I must say now that I recall it, it was a crazy night. first, I met the band in the daytime, then the band played about 12 songs in which they usually sing 4 at this venue, and reed was there. I hadn't noticed him until I was waiting for the band to come out as my friend (who had taken the pic) punched my arm and told me to look in the back, I looked and I saw him with his hoodie over his head. I must admit, he was the most handsome guy I had ever seen, he didn't look like a girl anymore, but more like a cute rocker boy. I told my friends that I saw him and then the spotlight was put on me as an admirer of me shall we say came looking for me ; let's call her short girl and she told the people all crowded around me waiting for the band about all the concerts I've been to. As she proclaimed all the venues I had been to, all the rockstars I've seen and how she couldn't get in, I caught the eye of reed. Reed smiled at me and of course my first thoughts were "does he want to get all nice to me to cut in front of me? no way!" As I turned to the back where he was to talk to some friends,I always saw him smiling at me, I was very stunned thinking is he smiling at me?
well the band never came out and me and my friends left to eat. The next few moments I cannot explain, I was lagging behind my friends
reed was walking in my direction
my friends were way ahead of me , miles away
I stopped
he stopped
time felt like it stopped, I felt my heart melting away
he smiled
and I ran.
I ran after my friends and my friends never noticed anything.
And as they talked about "reed" and how he looked oh so hot, I couldn't stop my face from turning all shades of red and tried to change the subject.
I confided to one of my friends about this and she told me I had had "a movie moment".
I thought of this constantly only to be disappointed the next month as I went to see another band and saw him at the end of the concert surrounded by a circle of girls. He didn't see me, it was dark but it looked as if he was an idol god to these girls which none looked like the head girlfriend but instead as a circle of friends, I didn't feel jealous, but disappointed into thinking the possibility that he was gay. He didn't look gay.
but basically what feels like a shot to the heart was that "movie moment".
Why couldn't I have said hi too?
Why didn't I smile?
Why am I so stupid?
of course vicious creature comes in saying:
-he probably is gay
-he is a player, he wanted to add you to his collection.
-why are you thinking about that moment so much? I bet he hasn't even thought of it because he's a guy and probably threw that memory into the trash and if you did see him he probably wouldn't remember you.
thanks creature.
Now, I don't think of him that much though occasionally I will, to remember that movie moment but that last moment will alway kill me.
vicious flashbacks
sometimes the vicious creature plays tricks on me and reminds me of things that have happened to me in the last two years that seem to puzzle me I guess.
Like the time I went to get my class ring, everyone was filing in getting their fingers measured by some old man. I was bored waiting ( I hate waiting) and I had worn my Sgt. Peppers pin just to give a little pizazz to my gloomy outfit. My turn came and as the man measured what my finger size would be for my piece of tin that is locked up in my wooden made jewelry box now, he looked at my pin and told me if I loved the beatles, I said I did and he told me he would engrave my name on it for free. I was surprised and of course said thank you. The story would perfectly end there for anyone's life. How nice the man was, thoughts of "maybe I might be some sort of hidden beauty that has not come out yet" would go through a person's mind, or did the beatles just get me $30 off ? but this is not anyone's life, this is mine.
I guess I made the mistake of telling my two closest friends, of course one was surprised while another just told me bluntly: "he does that to everyone".
My one little chance of actually feeling appreciated by someone other than my family and friends was shattered. Thinking I might have that thing blonde's have? I forgot what it was, but its when they can get away with anything sort of eroded from my thoughts.
so now everytime I look at that ring, I will think of that sweet gesture of that old man but with an asterisk next to it saying :He probably does that to everyone so why should you feel so special? courtesy of the vicious creature.
Like the time I went to get my class ring, everyone was filing in getting their fingers measured by some old man. I was bored waiting ( I hate waiting) and I had worn my Sgt. Peppers pin just to give a little pizazz to my gloomy outfit. My turn came and as the man measured what my finger size would be for my piece of tin that is locked up in my wooden made jewelry box now, he looked at my pin and told me if I loved the beatles, I said I did and he told me he would engrave my name on it for free. I was surprised and of course said thank you. The story would perfectly end there for anyone's life. How nice the man was, thoughts of "maybe I might be some sort of hidden beauty that has not come out yet" would go through a person's mind, or did the beatles just get me $30 off ? but this is not anyone's life, this is mine.
I guess I made the mistake of telling my two closest friends, of course one was surprised while another just told me bluntly: "he does that to everyone".
My one little chance of actually feeling appreciated by someone other than my family and friends was shattered. Thinking I might have that thing blonde's have? I forgot what it was, but its when they can get away with anything sort of eroded from my thoughts.
so now everytime I look at that ring, I will think of that sweet gesture of that old man but with an asterisk next to it saying :He probably does that to everyone so why should you feel so special? courtesy of the vicious creature.
Friday, May 23, 2008
ugly person
sometimes when I'm in the car
I see ugly people walking down the street holding hands
teenagers, pimply and ugly holding hands in love
I've never been in love so I don't know that feeling
I see gold diggers kissing the bald heads of their old boyfriends
I see scumbags kissing and holding hands of innocent girls who think they are in love
I've never held hands with anyone so I don't know that feeling
I see middle aged people holding hands, probably having an affair
I see desperate beautiful girls holding the hands of ugly troll like boys
I've been desperate, but never that desperate
I see myself in the mirror
thin, long legs, big eyes, long hair,
I wonder why I've never had a significant other in my life
maybe they are beautiful to the world and I'm the ugly one
I mean they are the ones with the significant others and look nothing like models
and yet I guess I'm just the world's ugliest person with nobody who finds me attracted and look okay.
I see ugly people walking down the street holding hands
teenagers, pimply and ugly holding hands in love
I've never been in love so I don't know that feeling
I see gold diggers kissing the bald heads of their old boyfriends
I see scumbags kissing and holding hands of innocent girls who think they are in love
I've never held hands with anyone so I don't know that feeling
I see middle aged people holding hands, probably having an affair
I see desperate beautiful girls holding the hands of ugly troll like boys
I've been desperate, but never that desperate
I see myself in the mirror
thin, long legs, big eyes, long hair,
I wonder why I've never had a significant other in my life
maybe they are beautiful to the world and I'm the ugly one
I mean they are the ones with the significant others and look nothing like models
and yet I guess I'm just the world's ugliest person with nobody who finds me attracted and look okay.
The vicious creature in action
did he look at me?
did he do what I think he did?
Is this possible?
am I in a dream?
my head is not swimming, I feel confident
too confident. maybe it is a dream. my face is red, my cheeks are rosy.
it may be a lucid dream. I did things I don't often do
looked at him in the eye
sang along
looked at him in the eye
then he did that
was it for me or the A-type girls in back of me
cheeky, tall, and blonde haired?
but there are many witnessess
and I can't help to think
maybe he does that with all the girls
so what if he looked at me in the eye the whole time he was singing last time and now the same thing happens again when I see him a year later?
that's probably his style
seeks the fans with the homemade signs and makes their day by looking and singing at them the whole time.
yeah that's probably it- picks the ugly girl and makes it her year.
well not me buddy!
not me!
and yet, it didn't seem acted
I mean giving me that look that totally said "come hither"
or specifically "really? I rock your world? I'm willing to do it to you if you'd like to and you'd like it. grr." look
nah I'm too atrocious to be even have someone like that like me.
I dream too much.
yeah it was probably a dream.
did he do what I think he did?
Is this possible?
am I in a dream?
my head is not swimming, I feel confident
too confident. maybe it is a dream. my face is red, my cheeks are rosy.
it may be a lucid dream. I did things I don't often do
looked at him in the eye
sang along
looked at him in the eye
then he did that
was it for me or the A-type girls in back of me
cheeky, tall, and blonde haired?
but there are many witnessess
and I can't help to think
maybe he does that with all the girls
so what if he looked at me in the eye the whole time he was singing last time and now the same thing happens again when I see him a year later?
that's probably his style
seeks the fans with the homemade signs and makes their day by looking and singing at them the whole time.
yeah that's probably it- picks the ugly girl and makes it her year.
well not me buddy!
not me!
and yet, it didn't seem acted
I mean giving me that look that totally said "come hither"
or specifically "really? I rock your world? I'm willing to do it to you if you'd like to and you'd like it. grr." look
nah I'm too atrocious to be even have someone like that like me.
I dream too much.
yeah it was probably a dream.
ode to artist boy
oh artist boy
with your box of pencils
I saw you for the last time
with your art folder beside you
you've grown artist boy,
your cranberry shirt hides the possible toned abs you have
your jeans are ever so perfect
never baggy
oh artist boy how you've changed!
you have a scruffy beard
that makes you look like vangoh
what's in that head of yours what
will your pencil create?
your eyes are golden like amber
and your nose seems out of touch
out of synch but it goes perfectly with your face and raven colored short hair.
oh artist boy
how I wish you would've taken me
then and there
among the strangers, stalkers and the despaired.
I wish you'd asked for my pen, given me a long look
though as you walk out of my life through those steel doors
I'll always remember the flicker of your pen
when I flickered it
the hidden looks you gave me when I smiled
and the hidden looks I gave you when you smiled.
oh artist boy,
I'll always remember you
you and your notebook of drawn creations which I will never see.
with your box of pencils
I saw you for the last time
with your art folder beside you
you've grown artist boy,
your cranberry shirt hides the possible toned abs you have
your jeans are ever so perfect
never baggy
oh artist boy how you've changed!
you have a scruffy beard
that makes you look like vangoh
what's in that head of yours what
will your pencil create?
your eyes are golden like amber
and your nose seems out of touch
out of synch but it goes perfectly with your face and raven colored short hair.
oh artist boy
how I wish you would've taken me
then and there
among the strangers, stalkers and the despaired.
I wish you'd asked for my pen, given me a long look
though as you walk out of my life through those steel doors
I'll always remember the flicker of your pen
when I flickered it
the hidden looks you gave me when I smiled
and the hidden looks I gave you when you smiled.
oh artist boy,
I'll always remember you
you and your notebook of drawn creations which I will never see.
the vicious creature
what is the vicious creature?
well this is a blog to remind me of all the failures I have had in my life concerning certain things in my life, mostly guys. And how everything good that happens to me is absolutely destroyed by the vicious creature in me that ruins my day. It is also to make people feel better about themselves for not being me.
well this is a blog to remind me of all the failures I have had in my life concerning certain things in my life, mostly guys. And how everything good that happens to me is absolutely destroyed by the vicious creature in me that ruins my day. It is also to make people feel better about themselves for not being me.
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