I never noticed it before, but after reading the lyrics, this has to be the most masochistic song I have ever heard. good tune though. Janis Joplin rules.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
victorian furnishings
I sometimes think nasty thoughts about the “come hither” rock star. I imagine us making out in a hotel room with Victorian furnishings. I don't know why. I’ve never made out with anyone in my life before so I think it would be heavenly with him. I imagine him holding my hand as he shows me around London, where I assume he lives. I show him around where I live, the sights, the sounds, the beach, and downtown. Actually, I think more of the making out part in my fantasies. I try to imagine what my friends would think, how much it would cost for him to go from England to where I live every weekend, and vice versa but I can’t. I think of caressing his white skinny rocker body, touching his face and hair which must feel so silky, taking off his raggedy designer clothes and have no idea what to do with him after that. I have not had “ real life experience “ with sex so after that fantasy of me taking off his raggedy shirt, a red curtain is pulled down censoring what is to happen next, or a slow cinematic fadeout or a camera panning to a fireplace or the stars happens in my mind. I know sex is nothing like in the movies but I have seen so many make-out scenes on celluloid that that’s all there is on my mind: serious making out, rock star kissing me passionately but then fadeout. When I try to create X-rated scenes, I Just remember that scene from “The 40 Year old Virgin” when Steve Carell’s character tries to imagine an erotic fantasy but ends up watching “Everybody loves Raymond”. Only in my case it would be “30 Rock”. I guess my mind is actually clean but wants to be filthy so badly.
I would regret writing this “blog” entry, you know the old saying “don’t count your chicks before they hatch”? but I’m not naming names, it could be anyone to the fates and I’m expressing my true feelings and emotions like I would to a journal, a shooting star, or a priest so I don’t believe I’m giving myself bad luck and I don’t believe it counts. At least that's what I'm telling myself.
I guess that is my last fantasy on “come hither” rock star. Back to reality.
I would regret writing this “blog” entry, you know the old saying “don’t count your chicks before they hatch”? but I’m not naming names, it could be anyone to the fates and I’m expressing my true feelings and emotions like I would to a journal, a shooting star, or a priest so I don’t believe I’m giving myself bad luck and I don’t believe it counts. At least that's what I'm telling myself.
I guess that is my last fantasy on “come hither” rock star. Back to reality.
"come hither"
It’s been more than a week and I’m still thinking of the “come hither” rock star. As I play him on my MP3, I feel like he is whispering in my ear, singing to me. I promised myself that this would be the last weekend to fantasize about him and then have the vicious creature take over but it’s still on my mind. He definitely took my mind away from a current failed love interest so I thank him for it, but it has made me feel too whimsy and naïve. So starting today, I will go and check on you tube interviews, concerts of him and his band and I will face my reality that I’m just another girl. Please note I don’t seek pleasure in doing this but what’s worse, finding out you’re just another girl as you see him doing the same thing to a prettier girl on the web in the privacy of your own home OR going to see them live or at a music event such as a CD signing and seeing the guy you thought about for weeks, the star of your daydreams blow you off and flirting with another girl in front of you, your heart being so broken and smashed that you have to scrape it from the wall you were leaning against? I rather feel disappointed and realistic on my home computer for a day than feeling depressed for weeks.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
glitt
Anarchistic potents
Thrill my mind
Glittering illusions
Install on my eyes
Frankness instills my mind
Gems of truth
Fall from my mouth
And buzzing fears
Pass through my hands.
My hearing is sound
Yet I cannot hear love, death, or sighs
Sighs
Sigh.
Thrill my mind
Glittering illusions
Install on my eyes
Frankness instills my mind
Gems of truth
Fall from my mouth
And buzzing fears
Pass through my hands.
My hearing is sound
Yet I cannot hear love, death, or sighs
Sighs
Sigh.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
reed encounters
Sometimes when the vicious creature is up to no good and I am in a depressive mood, it seems to stalk me with all the mistakes I've done in potential love interests to make me feel even worse than ever. This is routine for me,so I think of all the good things that came out of it such as the story of the boy I will name Reed.
I saw this boy only three times more than a year ago and yet I sometimes think of him either when the creature comes out or when I want to feel some type of euphoria or thoughts of someone actually liking me.
Now, many boys have looked at me since I was 15, but I can only count on one hand who I actually liked and possibly liked me back.
I first saw this boy at a concert, my friends fawned over him with his beatle hair cut circa 1965, his skinny jeans and peter pan collar leather jacket which had a velvet underground pin on it. His eyes were amber hued and had handsome features. I didn't care for him one bit, I thought he looked like a chick but my friend went to the point of taking a picture of him without his knowledge just as a memento of his "cuteness". We decided to call him "reed" after Lou Reed, leader of the Velvet Underground and that was that.
Then I went to see this other band the next month, not expecting what I was expecting and I must say now that I recall it, it was a crazy night. first, I met the band in the daytime, then the band played about 12 songs in which they usually sing 4 at this venue, and reed was there. I hadn't noticed him until I was waiting for the band to come out as my friend (who had taken the pic) punched my arm and told me to look in the back, I looked and I saw him with his hoodie over his head. I must admit, he was the most handsome guy I had ever seen, he didn't look like a girl anymore, but more like a cute rocker boy. I told my friends that I saw him and then the spotlight was put on me as an admirer of me shall we say came looking for me ; let's call her short girl and she told the people all crowded around me waiting for the band about all the concerts I've been to. As she proclaimed all the venues I had been to, all the rockstars I've seen and how she couldn't get in, I caught the eye of reed. Reed smiled at me and of course my first thoughts were "does he want to get all nice to me to cut in front of me? no way!" As I turned to the back where he was to talk to some friends,I always saw him smiling at me, I was very stunned thinking is he smiling at me?
well the band never came out and me and my friends left to eat. The next few moments I cannot explain, I was lagging behind my friends
reed was walking in my direction
my friends were way ahead of me , miles away
I stopped
he stopped
time felt like it stopped, I felt my heart melting away
he smiled
and I ran.
I ran after my friends and my friends never noticed anything.
And as they talked about "reed" and how he looked oh so hot, I couldn't stop my face from turning all shades of red and tried to change the subject.
I confided to one of my friends about this and she told me I had had "a movie moment".
I thought of this constantly only to be disappointed the next month as I went to see another band and saw him at the end of the concert surrounded by a circle of girls. He didn't see me, it was dark but it looked as if he was an idol god to these girls which none looked like the head girlfriend but instead as a circle of friends, I didn't feel jealous, but disappointed into thinking the possibility that he was gay. He didn't look gay.
but basically what feels like a shot to the heart was that "movie moment".
Why couldn't I have said hi too?
Why didn't I smile?
Why am I so stupid?
of course vicious creature comes in saying:
-he probably is gay
-he is a player, he wanted to add you to his collection.
-why are you thinking about that moment so much? I bet he hasn't even thought of it because he's a guy and probably threw that memory into the trash and if you did see him he probably wouldn't remember you.
thanks creature.
Now, I don't think of him that much though occasionally I will, to remember that movie moment but that last moment will alway kill me.
I saw this boy only three times more than a year ago and yet I sometimes think of him either when the creature comes out or when I want to feel some type of euphoria or thoughts of someone actually liking me.
Now, many boys have looked at me since I was 15, but I can only count on one hand who I actually liked and possibly liked me back.
I first saw this boy at a concert, my friends fawned over him with his beatle hair cut circa 1965, his skinny jeans and peter pan collar leather jacket which had a velvet underground pin on it. His eyes were amber hued and had handsome features. I didn't care for him one bit, I thought he looked like a chick but my friend went to the point of taking a picture of him without his knowledge just as a memento of his "cuteness". We decided to call him "reed" after Lou Reed, leader of the Velvet Underground and that was that.
Then I went to see this other band the next month, not expecting what I was expecting and I must say now that I recall it, it was a crazy night. first, I met the band in the daytime, then the band played about 12 songs in which they usually sing 4 at this venue, and reed was there. I hadn't noticed him until I was waiting for the band to come out as my friend (who had taken the pic) punched my arm and told me to look in the back, I looked and I saw him with his hoodie over his head. I must admit, he was the most handsome guy I had ever seen, he didn't look like a girl anymore, but more like a cute rocker boy. I told my friends that I saw him and then the spotlight was put on me as an admirer of me shall we say came looking for me ; let's call her short girl and she told the people all crowded around me waiting for the band about all the concerts I've been to. As she proclaimed all the venues I had been to, all the rockstars I've seen and how she couldn't get in, I caught the eye of reed. Reed smiled at me and of course my first thoughts were "does he want to get all nice to me to cut in front of me? no way!" As I turned to the back where he was to talk to some friends,I always saw him smiling at me, I was very stunned thinking is he smiling at me?
well the band never came out and me and my friends left to eat. The next few moments I cannot explain, I was lagging behind my friends
reed was walking in my direction
my friends were way ahead of me , miles away
I stopped
he stopped
time felt like it stopped, I felt my heart melting away
he smiled
and I ran.
I ran after my friends and my friends never noticed anything.
And as they talked about "reed" and how he looked oh so hot, I couldn't stop my face from turning all shades of red and tried to change the subject.
I confided to one of my friends about this and she told me I had had "a movie moment".
I thought of this constantly only to be disappointed the next month as I went to see another band and saw him at the end of the concert surrounded by a circle of girls. He didn't see me, it was dark but it looked as if he was an idol god to these girls which none looked like the head girlfriend but instead as a circle of friends, I didn't feel jealous, but disappointed into thinking the possibility that he was gay. He didn't look gay.
but basically what feels like a shot to the heart was that "movie moment".
Why couldn't I have said hi too?
Why didn't I smile?
Why am I so stupid?
of course vicious creature comes in saying:
-he probably is gay
-he is a player, he wanted to add you to his collection.
-why are you thinking about that moment so much? I bet he hasn't even thought of it because he's a guy and probably threw that memory into the trash and if you did see him he probably wouldn't remember you.
thanks creature.
Now, I don't think of him that much though occasionally I will, to remember that movie moment but that last moment will alway kill me.
vicious flashbacks
sometimes the vicious creature plays tricks on me and reminds me of things that have happened to me in the last two years that seem to puzzle me I guess.
Like the time I went to get my class ring, everyone was filing in getting their fingers measured by some old man. I was bored waiting ( I hate waiting) and I had worn my Sgt. Peppers pin just to give a little pizazz to my gloomy outfit. My turn came and as the man measured what my finger size would be for my piece of tin that is locked up in my wooden made jewelry box now, he looked at my pin and told me if I loved the beatles, I said I did and he told me he would engrave my name on it for free. I was surprised and of course said thank you. The story would perfectly end there for anyone's life. How nice the man was, thoughts of "maybe I might be some sort of hidden beauty that has not come out yet" would go through a person's mind, or did the beatles just get me $30 off ? but this is not anyone's life, this is mine.
I guess I made the mistake of telling my two closest friends, of course one was surprised while another just told me bluntly: "he does that to everyone".
My one little chance of actually feeling appreciated by someone other than my family and friends was shattered. Thinking I might have that thing blonde's have? I forgot what it was, but its when they can get away with anything sort of eroded from my thoughts.
so now everytime I look at that ring, I will think of that sweet gesture of that old man but with an asterisk next to it saying :He probably does that to everyone so why should you feel so special? courtesy of the vicious creature.
Like the time I went to get my class ring, everyone was filing in getting their fingers measured by some old man. I was bored waiting ( I hate waiting) and I had worn my Sgt. Peppers pin just to give a little pizazz to my gloomy outfit. My turn came and as the man measured what my finger size would be for my piece of tin that is locked up in my wooden made jewelry box now, he looked at my pin and told me if I loved the beatles, I said I did and he told me he would engrave my name on it for free. I was surprised and of course said thank you. The story would perfectly end there for anyone's life. How nice the man was, thoughts of "maybe I might be some sort of hidden beauty that has not come out yet" would go through a person's mind, or did the beatles just get me $30 off ? but this is not anyone's life, this is mine.
I guess I made the mistake of telling my two closest friends, of course one was surprised while another just told me bluntly: "he does that to everyone".
My one little chance of actually feeling appreciated by someone other than my family and friends was shattered. Thinking I might have that thing blonde's have? I forgot what it was, but its when they can get away with anything sort of eroded from my thoughts.
so now everytime I look at that ring, I will think of that sweet gesture of that old man but with an asterisk next to it saying :He probably does that to everyone so why should you feel so special? courtesy of the vicious creature.
Friday, May 23, 2008
ugly person
sometimes when I'm in the car
I see ugly people walking down the street holding hands
teenagers, pimply and ugly holding hands in love
I've never been in love so I don't know that feeling
I see gold diggers kissing the bald heads of their old boyfriends
I see scumbags kissing and holding hands of innocent girls who think they are in love
I've never held hands with anyone so I don't know that feeling
I see middle aged people holding hands, probably having an affair
I see desperate beautiful girls holding the hands of ugly troll like boys
I've been desperate, but never that desperate
I see myself in the mirror
thin, long legs, big eyes, long hair,
I wonder why I've never had a significant other in my life
maybe they are beautiful to the world and I'm the ugly one
I mean they are the ones with the significant others and look nothing like models
and yet I guess I'm just the world's ugliest person with nobody who finds me attracted and look okay.
I see ugly people walking down the street holding hands
teenagers, pimply and ugly holding hands in love
I've never been in love so I don't know that feeling
I see gold diggers kissing the bald heads of their old boyfriends
I see scumbags kissing and holding hands of innocent girls who think they are in love
I've never held hands with anyone so I don't know that feeling
I see middle aged people holding hands, probably having an affair
I see desperate beautiful girls holding the hands of ugly troll like boys
I've been desperate, but never that desperate
I see myself in the mirror
thin, long legs, big eyes, long hair,
I wonder why I've never had a significant other in my life
maybe they are beautiful to the world and I'm the ugly one
I mean they are the ones with the significant others and look nothing like models
and yet I guess I'm just the world's ugliest person with nobody who finds me attracted and look okay.
The vicious creature in action
did he look at me?
did he do what I think he did?
Is this possible?
am I in a dream?
my head is not swimming, I feel confident
too confident. maybe it is a dream. my face is red, my cheeks are rosy.
it may be a lucid dream. I did things I don't often do
looked at him in the eye
sang along
looked at him in the eye
then he did that
was it for me or the A-type girls in back of me
cheeky, tall, and blonde haired?
but there are many witnessess
and I can't help to think
maybe he does that with all the girls
so what if he looked at me in the eye the whole time he was singing last time and now the same thing happens again when I see him a year later?
that's probably his style
seeks the fans with the homemade signs and makes their day by looking and singing at them the whole time.
yeah that's probably it- picks the ugly girl and makes it her year.
well not me buddy!
not me!
and yet, it didn't seem acted
I mean giving me that look that totally said "come hither"
or specifically "really? I rock your world? I'm willing to do it to you if you'd like to and you'd like it. grr." look
nah I'm too atrocious to be even have someone like that like me.
I dream too much.
yeah it was probably a dream.
did he do what I think he did?
Is this possible?
am I in a dream?
my head is not swimming, I feel confident
too confident. maybe it is a dream. my face is red, my cheeks are rosy.
it may be a lucid dream. I did things I don't often do
looked at him in the eye
sang along
looked at him in the eye
then he did that
was it for me or the A-type girls in back of me
cheeky, tall, and blonde haired?
but there are many witnessess
and I can't help to think
maybe he does that with all the girls
so what if he looked at me in the eye the whole time he was singing last time and now the same thing happens again when I see him a year later?
that's probably his style
seeks the fans with the homemade signs and makes their day by looking and singing at them the whole time.
yeah that's probably it- picks the ugly girl and makes it her year.
well not me buddy!
not me!
and yet, it didn't seem acted
I mean giving me that look that totally said "come hither"
or specifically "really? I rock your world? I'm willing to do it to you if you'd like to and you'd like it. grr." look
nah I'm too atrocious to be even have someone like that like me.
I dream too much.
yeah it was probably a dream.
ode to artist boy
oh artist boy
with your box of pencils
I saw you for the last time
with your art folder beside you
you've grown artist boy,
your cranberry shirt hides the possible toned abs you have
your jeans are ever so perfect
never baggy
oh artist boy how you've changed!
you have a scruffy beard
that makes you look like vangoh
what's in that head of yours what
will your pencil create?
your eyes are golden like amber
and your nose seems out of touch
out of synch but it goes perfectly with your face and raven colored short hair.
oh artist boy
how I wish you would've taken me
then and there
among the strangers, stalkers and the despaired.
I wish you'd asked for my pen, given me a long look
though as you walk out of my life through those steel doors
I'll always remember the flicker of your pen
when I flickered it
the hidden looks you gave me when I smiled
and the hidden looks I gave you when you smiled.
oh artist boy,
I'll always remember you
you and your notebook of drawn creations which I will never see.
with your box of pencils
I saw you for the last time
with your art folder beside you
you've grown artist boy,
your cranberry shirt hides the possible toned abs you have
your jeans are ever so perfect
never baggy
oh artist boy how you've changed!
you have a scruffy beard
that makes you look like vangoh
what's in that head of yours what
will your pencil create?
your eyes are golden like amber
and your nose seems out of touch
out of synch but it goes perfectly with your face and raven colored short hair.
oh artist boy
how I wish you would've taken me
then and there
among the strangers, stalkers and the despaired.
I wish you'd asked for my pen, given me a long look
though as you walk out of my life through those steel doors
I'll always remember the flicker of your pen
when I flickered it
the hidden looks you gave me when I smiled
and the hidden looks I gave you when you smiled.
oh artist boy,
I'll always remember you
you and your notebook of drawn creations which I will never see.
the vicious creature
what is the vicious creature?
well this is a blog to remind me of all the failures I have had in my life concerning certain things in my life, mostly guys. And how everything good that happens to me is absolutely destroyed by the vicious creature in me that ruins my day. It is also to make people feel better about themselves for not being me.
well this is a blog to remind me of all the failures I have had in my life concerning certain things in my life, mostly guys. And how everything good that happens to me is absolutely destroyed by the vicious creature in me that ruins my day. It is also to make people feel better about themselves for not being me.
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