Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Friday, October 17, 2008
long time
haven't written for a long time. have been working and studying. been working hard, feeling the adrenaline rushing. been getting great praise for my work and effort, I think they called me a superhero or something. I got my grades and I have all As and I should be pretty happy because the vicious creature hasn't really invaded me.....until now.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Not A Second Time
okay after many days,I've gone from feeling good to feeling like slush today. I feel like a potato or something. just lying there, nothing to do, waiting to be skinned and turned into mush or some french delicacy.
"Not A Second Time" by The Beatles is what is happening to me at this moment. Literally.
You know you made me cry, I see no use in wondering why, I cry, for you
And now you've changed your mind, I see no reason to change mine, I cry, is through, oh
You're giving me the same old line, I'm wondering why
You hurt me then, you're back again, no, no, no, not a second time
You know you made me cry, I see no use in wondering why, I cry, for you, oo yeah
And now you've changed your mind, I see no reason to change mine, I cry, is through, oh
You're giving me the same old line, I'm wondering why
You hurt me then, you're back again, no, no, no, not a second time,
Not a second time, not the second time, no, no, no, no, not a second time
"Not A Second Time" by The Beatles is what is happening to me at this moment. Literally.
You know you made me cry, I see no use in wondering why, I cry, for you
And now you've changed your mind, I see no reason to change mine, I cry, is through, oh
You're giving me the same old line, I'm wondering why
You hurt me then, you're back again, no, no, no, not a second time
You know you made me cry, I see no use in wondering why, I cry, for you, oo yeah
And now you've changed your mind, I see no reason to change mine, I cry, is through, oh
You're giving me the same old line, I'm wondering why
You hurt me then, you're back again, no, no, no, not a second time,
Not a second time, not the second time, no, no, no, no, not a second time
Saturday, June 21, 2008
(pt.3) The Vicious Creature Punching me in the face, the stomach,breaking my legs,etc
Well
the world advised me to call him or e-mail him and when I mean the world I mean THE WORLD. Everyone from rock stars, to my friends, to anonymous people told me to e-mail him when I told them my situation and so I did, asked him if he knew when we were getting our grades.
Maybe he could see through that e-mail which in reality it spelled something: D.A.T.E. He answered back and asked me a question concerning school; I answered it back but got no reply. Maybe because I didn’t ask him a question so the WORLD now told me to ask HIM out. So after a few days, I asked him if he wanted to see the new batman movie when it came out and I sort of questioned if he liked Batman (which is a surefire reply from a boy) but no answer til this day.
I don’t want to call him a douchebag, I know he’s nice and forgetful at times but I’m just gonna give up on the whole calling/emailing him. I don’t want to be a bother to him or him thinking I'm a stalker and I just don’t like to initiate everything. I’m not regretting what I did, I’m regretting the aftermath of it. Maybe He found out that thing I had written on his book.
And it wasn’t like I was in love with him, when I look for a beatles song to think of him, I can’t because they all say “love” or “heart” which makes my head go “no-no”. I wish they’d written a song about “liking” someone.
I don’t know, I wished that we could have had something, I’m trying to erase the images I had of him and me holding hands in the dark movie theatre, talking about flicks, influencing him with my rock music, make-out sessions, etc.
And even though the creature taunts me with those images every time I check my email or my voicemail messages, when it comes to Tim, I will try to remember only the time he turned around for me.
And how cute he looked.
I don’t know why I think of the sadness of this story with this song, but I do.
LightSpeed Champion’s “tell me what Its worth”
the world advised me to call him or e-mail him and when I mean the world I mean THE WORLD. Everyone from rock stars, to my friends, to anonymous people told me to e-mail him when I told them my situation and so I did, asked him if he knew when we were getting our grades.
Maybe he could see through that e-mail which in reality it spelled something: D.A.T.E. He answered back and asked me a question concerning school; I answered it back but got no reply. Maybe because I didn’t ask him a question so the WORLD now told me to ask HIM out. So after a few days, I asked him if he wanted to see the new batman movie when it came out and I sort of questioned if he liked Batman (which is a surefire reply from a boy) but no answer til this day.
I don’t want to call him a douchebag, I know he’s nice and forgetful at times but I’m just gonna give up on the whole calling/emailing him. I don’t want to be a bother to him or him thinking I'm a stalker and I just don’t like to initiate everything. I’m not regretting what I did, I’m regretting the aftermath of it. Maybe He found out that thing I had written on his book.
And it wasn’t like I was in love with him, when I look for a beatles song to think of him, I can’t because they all say “love” or “heart” which makes my head go “no-no”. I wish they’d written a song about “liking” someone.
I don’t know, I wished that we could have had something, I’m trying to erase the images I had of him and me holding hands in the dark movie theatre, talking about flicks, influencing him with my rock music, make-out sessions, etc.
And even though the creature taunts me with those images every time I check my email or my voicemail messages, when it comes to Tim, I will try to remember only the time he turned around for me.
And how cute he looked.
I don’t know why I think of the sadness of this story with this song, but I do.
LightSpeed Champion’s “tell me what Its worth”
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
ugly hidden shadows
In my spare time, I try to think of the factors that made me such a fucked up loser. I try to think of the things I thought and believed when I was a girl, the books I read, the songs I heard, and the films I saw. After crossing out books (I doubt “the little train that could” and “hello kitty goes to town” would influence me negatively) and music (“I wanna rock” and “yellow submarine” didn’t make me heart sick) It comes down to the films I saw, most particularly Disney Films. I sincerely doubt Mickey Mouse’s tales and those merry melodies made me the way I am now but I am mostly talking about those “princess” movies that have horribly influenced women for more than 70 years.
Snow White: Why did I like this movie as a kid? Did I hope for a wishing well to grant my wish of finding a prince who would take me to his kingdom in his white steed? That is so laughable to me. Did I hope of finding love one day at Snow White’s age with furry creatures all around me? Well I’m well Snow White’s age and I doubt that will happen to me anytime soon.
Cinderella: I can imagine the brainwashing occurring as I watched this piece of fluff. Girl dreams of happiness but can’t tell her dreams to her (again) furry friends or “they won’t come true”. Wow, I bet you I had dreams and didn’t tell them to anyone on account of them hoping to be real, I probably had a dream on a crush I had on a boy in junior high or elementary and did they come true? Nope. But the heart of the story lingered on in my mind, with the ball, that damn song, the slipper, need I go on? Brainwashing!
Little Mermaid: Girl dreams of being with someone of another world, does it without speaking a word of her mind, her thoughts, and ends up being married to him. That would be a dull marriage, do they like the same things, do they have the same political views, and do they laugh at the same things? None of that was covered in the film and this just led to the message: shut your mouth and you may get a man.
Pocahontas: This one is bittersweet for me. After watching this film, I can remember loving the inter-racial romance they had and wished one like that for me; a guy like Captain John Smith, all man and with a sense of adventure and not giving a hoot about what people thought. Of course, later I would find out white guys of that particular caliber don’t exist anymore, instead some, when young are lunk heads who like to binge drink on the weekends, obsess over their ATV/car/motorcycle, watch family guy and have only eyes for equal looking white girl lunk heads who think old is 1984, wear what those girls on “The hills” wear, obsess over where they are going for spring break, and binge drink at anywhere festive or festive looking. And they never would take anyone other than white seriously; they’d have them but just to “try” out, never for anything “serious” such as marriage. And then the vicious circle is complete when they marry and begin another generation of shadow racists. Again, I am making presumptions on people of the Abercrombie and Fitch set, the frat guys and sorority girls, not ALL white people. Some are awesome, artists who paint, musicians, writers, basically anyone who hasn’t wasted all their brain cells and reads the onion and listens to my morning jacket and watches the daily show. I see lunkheads all the time, A blonde short haired handsome guy with flip flops, khaki shorts, a Abercrombie shirt. I can tell his likes and dislikes by just looking at him, but then when I see a guy with converse shoes, regular jeans, a grey t-shirt with an black blazer and a devo pin on the lapel looking absolutely handsome with his shaggy dirty blonde hair, I see him as a mystery wanting to know more about him. Now I go for those interesting guys but back then, as a teen it was a big blow for me when I knew that those “frat guys” would only see me as an “experience” and never as a girlfriend.
Well we sort of went off the brainwashing path didn’t we? Well these films give hope and fantasy to girls believing that they are going to find their true love and end up happily ever after. They imagine they’ll meet them in a forest or something and that the first guy they’ll meet will be “the one”. I believe with the exception of Mulan, all these “princess” films should be banned on the account of leading girls to illusions of love and happiness when in reality love is heartbreaking, horrid, and really a depressing thing only to humor the fates above.
Snow White: Why did I like this movie as a kid? Did I hope for a wishing well to grant my wish of finding a prince who would take me to his kingdom in his white steed? That is so laughable to me. Did I hope of finding love one day at Snow White’s age with furry creatures all around me? Well I’m well Snow White’s age and I doubt that will happen to me anytime soon.
Cinderella: I can imagine the brainwashing occurring as I watched this piece of fluff. Girl dreams of happiness but can’t tell her dreams to her (again) furry friends or “they won’t come true”. Wow, I bet you I had dreams and didn’t tell them to anyone on account of them hoping to be real, I probably had a dream on a crush I had on a boy in junior high or elementary and did they come true? Nope. But the heart of the story lingered on in my mind, with the ball, that damn song, the slipper, need I go on? Brainwashing!
Little Mermaid: Girl dreams of being with someone of another world, does it without speaking a word of her mind, her thoughts, and ends up being married to him. That would be a dull marriage, do they like the same things, do they have the same political views, and do they laugh at the same things? None of that was covered in the film and this just led to the message: shut your mouth and you may get a man.
Pocahontas: This one is bittersweet for me. After watching this film, I can remember loving the inter-racial romance they had and wished one like that for me; a guy like Captain John Smith, all man and with a sense of adventure and not giving a hoot about what people thought. Of course, later I would find out white guys of that particular caliber don’t exist anymore, instead some, when young are lunk heads who like to binge drink on the weekends, obsess over their ATV/car/motorcycle, watch family guy and have only eyes for equal looking white girl lunk heads who think old is 1984, wear what those girls on “The hills” wear, obsess over where they are going for spring break, and binge drink at anywhere festive or festive looking. And they never would take anyone other than white seriously; they’d have them but just to “try” out, never for anything “serious” such as marriage. And then the vicious circle is complete when they marry and begin another generation of shadow racists. Again, I am making presumptions on people of the Abercrombie and Fitch set, the frat guys and sorority girls, not ALL white people. Some are awesome, artists who paint, musicians, writers, basically anyone who hasn’t wasted all their brain cells and reads the onion and listens to my morning jacket and watches the daily show. I see lunkheads all the time, A blonde short haired handsome guy with flip flops, khaki shorts, a Abercrombie shirt. I can tell his likes and dislikes by just looking at him, but then when I see a guy with converse shoes, regular jeans, a grey t-shirt with an black blazer and a devo pin on the lapel looking absolutely handsome with his shaggy dirty blonde hair, I see him as a mystery wanting to know more about him. Now I go for those interesting guys but back then, as a teen it was a big blow for me when I knew that those “frat guys” would only see me as an “experience” and never as a girlfriend.
Well we sort of went off the brainwashing path didn’t we? Well these films give hope and fantasy to girls believing that they are going to find their true love and end up happily ever after. They imagine they’ll meet them in a forest or something and that the first guy they’ll meet will be “the one”. I believe with the exception of Mulan, all these “princess” films should be banned on the account of leading girls to illusions of love and happiness when in reality love is heartbreaking, horrid, and really a depressing thing only to humor the fates above.
Friday, May 23, 2008
ode to artist boy
oh artist boy
with your box of pencils
I saw you for the last time
with your art folder beside you
you've grown artist boy,
your cranberry shirt hides the possible toned abs you have
your jeans are ever so perfect
never baggy
oh artist boy how you've changed!
you have a scruffy beard
that makes you look like vangoh
what's in that head of yours what
will your pencil create?
your eyes are golden like amber
and your nose seems out of touch
out of synch but it goes perfectly with your face and raven colored short hair.
oh artist boy
how I wish you would've taken me
then and there
among the strangers, stalkers and the despaired.
I wish you'd asked for my pen, given me a long look
though as you walk out of my life through those steel doors
I'll always remember the flicker of your pen
when I flickered it
the hidden looks you gave me when I smiled
and the hidden looks I gave you when you smiled.
oh artist boy,
I'll always remember you
you and your notebook of drawn creations which I will never see.
with your box of pencils
I saw you for the last time
with your art folder beside you
you've grown artist boy,
your cranberry shirt hides the possible toned abs you have
your jeans are ever so perfect
never baggy
oh artist boy how you've changed!
you have a scruffy beard
that makes you look like vangoh
what's in that head of yours what
will your pencil create?
your eyes are golden like amber
and your nose seems out of touch
out of synch but it goes perfectly with your face and raven colored short hair.
oh artist boy
how I wish you would've taken me
then and there
among the strangers, stalkers and the despaired.
I wish you'd asked for my pen, given me a long look
though as you walk out of my life through those steel doors
I'll always remember the flicker of your pen
when I flickered it
the hidden looks you gave me when I smiled
and the hidden looks I gave you when you smiled.
oh artist boy,
I'll always remember you
you and your notebook of drawn creations which I will never see.
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